Who told you that you were naked?

I got hardcore triggered last week. I felt angry and embarrassed. I felt kind of stupid and like I had lost some credibility. I made a mistake and posted something without a full understanding of it’s origin and original intent. The blunder was small in scale, a social media post but big in regards to the impact that it had on me emotionally. I felt like an idiot. I’m using a lot of “I felt” statements because no one told me that I was “stupid” or that I “lost credibility” but it’s how I felt.

I initially planned to write this post about the ways that I see shame used in society as a tactic for gaining involvement in and traction for a movement. It’s a conversation that I think is important and it’s one that I plan on having soon. Today though, I’m not going to talk about that. I have been reflecting a lot since last week. Reflecting on what happened that day and even more on my emotional response to what happened. My initial visceral reaction that told me I was unworthy, that I wasn’t smart and that I wasn’t a critical thinker.

Where did those thoughts come from? Who told me that if I make a mistake or if my actions aren’t 100% informed, 100% of the time, that I’m no longer a deserving person?

My therapist always asks me about the negative beliefs that I hold in my heart. The beliefs that cause me to think less of myself and to think that each mistake I make is a reminder of the deep flaws that I carry within me. The flaws that lower my value as a human. The flaws that make me less important, replaceable, broken, stupid, dirty, unlovable.

Harsh words, right? I agree. Those are words that I would never, even on my worst day, speak to another human being. Yet, I find myself believing them about me. I’m the person that avoids making mistakes. Not because I’m a perfectionist but rather because I don’t want to feel the sting of shame. It’s one of the reasons why I hate vague instructions and why I always ask for explicit details on projects because if I make a mistake, I struggle to see it as an isolated incident. Instead, I see it as a reflection of my worth as a person.

Who told me that I’m not allowed to make mistakes? Who told me that if I mess up, I’m an idiot undeserving of love and affection? Who told me that?

I’m not sure. What I do know is that it’s a core belief that I hold. One that I work so hard to avoid encountering, that I often forget it’s there. Lingering dangerously below the surface like an undetected cancerous cell. Waiting to fill my head with thoughts. Thoughts that tell me I’m not good enough and that I’ll never be.

When I think about shame I’m reminded of a story in the Bible. In Genesis, after a series of unfortunate decisions, Adam and Eve discover that they’re naked. When God comes to visit with them, they hide to cover up their nakedness. So, God is looking for them and they’re hiding (I’m pretty sure God knew where they were) but still God asks “where are you?” Adam responds saying that they heard The Lord coming so they hid to cover their nakedness and God asks “Who told you that you were naked?”

It’s a beautiful line and one that always comes to me when I experience deep shame. Who told you that it’s shameful to make mistakes? Who told you that you’re undeserving of forgiveness and credibility? Who told you that you deserve to be shamed? Who told you that? Who told you that you were naked?

It’s not the blog you expected but it’s the blog I needed. Perhaps, it’s the blog you need as well. Shame is not ours to hold. Shame will send us to dark and lonely places. When I’m enveloped in shame, I can’t write well, I can’t love well and I can’t seem to gain perspective on the situation at hand.

I think that it’s important to hold ourselves and others accountable on social media. In the age of misinformation, I think we should do our best to make sure that information we share is accurate and that we’re causing the least amount of harm. With that being said, we all make mistakes so what should we do when someone we know and love makes one? Or when it’s not necessarily a “mistake” but someone we care about is posting harmful and inaccurate information?

We will talk about that in detail in next weeks blog. I’ll share with you the questions that I ask myself before initiating conversation and also the tactics that I use. Tactics that prioritize relationship while also valuing truth and accountability.

For now, I want to leave you with this. I am constantly struggling with the notion that I am not good enough. That I don’t work hard enough, that I’m not smart enough and that none of the dreams that I hold in my heart will ever come to fruition. It’s something that I’m aware of and that I’m working diligently to overcome.

I know that I’m not the only one struggling in some way with negative beliefs. You also have things that you’re battling that are challenging and heavy and I honor the work that you’re doing to hold yourself together and work through it all.

I say all of that to say, lets give each other a little grace. Lets assume positive intent. Lets believe that the people on our timeline that we love and care about, are doing their very best. Lets invite people into a space of learning instead of reinforcing their negative self-beliefs with our words and actions.

We’ll talk more about how we do that next week.

Until then friends,

XO- N

Protect your peace.

"I just don't think I can do it," I thought to myself. Keys in hand, coat on and one foot out the door, I was stuck. Stuck between wanting to see people for a few hours and wanting to save myself. Energy depleted I shut the door, took off my coat and went to my room. 

I pulled off my skinny jeans and replaced them with loose, ugly but comfortable sweat pants. I opened my computer and typed in N E T F L I X... and spent the hours that I would have spent with friends by myself in front of a movie. 

"To protect your peace...

It's okay to cancel a commitment. 

It's okay to not take a call. 

It's okay to change your mind.

It's okay to take a day off.

It's okay to be alone. 

It's okay to let go. 

It's okay to say no." 

I have a friend named Olivia and she's been a beacon of light in my life since I met her. She's introduced me to new friends, gone on runs with me, laughed with me, encouraged me, cried with me and inspired me more times than I can list. Something that Olivia does that used to annoy me but that I now admire is that if she's feeling drained and like she needs time alone she will cancel plans. Olivia, from what I've observed, prioritizes taking care of herself. 

I always thought I was pretty good at the whole self care thing. I pay my bills on time, go to church, eat healthy, work out 5 days a week and get at least 7 hours of sleep most nights. As far as I was concerned that was the extent to which I needed to take care of myself. My emotional and mental health was tended to when I remembered but was not a priority. 

 As someone who is very outgoing and enjoys being around people I always thought that I was an extrovert. So when I was feeling exhausted and drained I would spend MORE time with people and I didn't understand why I would be short with them and wouldn't enjoy myself. 

I was surprised a year or so ago to find out that I'm actually an introvert and the way that I recharge is not by surrounding myself with people but rather by being alone. Self exploration is exciting for me because I feel like I'm learning things that are changing the way that I care for myself and organize my life. 

The more that I know about myself and what I need to feel like my mind is clear the better I can do my job and love the people in my life and the better I can love myself. Those things have been vital for me in this season. A season where I'm preparing to start grad school, finishing my first year at a new job and trying to be fully present in my personal life; it's a lot to try and juggle when you're 100% healthy and nearly impossible when you're feeling overwhelmed. 

In regards to seclusion and taking time for ourselves, even Jesus took time to pray and be alone. Mark 1:35 says "Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed." If Jesus needs time alone, to recharge and prepare his heart for the tasks ahead, than I think it's fair to assume that we do too. 

I saw a poster at a university the other day and it was all about self care and mental health. It explored the idea of creating a life and routine that you don't need a break from, one that is sustainable and leaves a real impact. The last few months I've been trying to do just that. I've been waking up 30 minutes before I have to start getting ready for work and since I work school hours, this new routine requires me to get out of bed at 5:15 every morning. I wake up and I spend 15 minutes doing devotionals from the YouVersion Bible app, I spend 5 minutes in worship and I spend 10 minutes in prayer. Those 30 minutes have drastically impacted my life.

Everyday, I have a list of things that I pray about and that list includes any projects that I'm handling at work or things in my schedule that I'm feeling anxious about. I start each day by handing all of my concerns, things that are stressing me out and my fears to Christ. The bible says in Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

The biggest step for me, when it comes to protecting my peace, has been learning how to pray about everything. I pray about projects at work, my family, Patrick, my friends, my schedule, my church, my blog...I pray about everything.  I can't explain the peace that God has brought into my life now that I'm choosing him first, every single day.

I encourage you to create a life, a routine, that you don't need to take a break from. One that prioritizes emotional, physical and spiritual health, one that doesn't make you feel like a night with friends is an impossible feat. One that doesn't' have you counting down the minutes until vacation or the weekend because you just need a break from it all. Cancelling plans gave me peace for an evening but my morning time with Christ has given me a peace that's sustainable, peace eternal.

P.S. I'd love to pray for you!  If there is anything that you need prayer for, big or small, feel free to comment below or send me a message with the details and I'll be sure to pray about it! =) 

Generations Church; Year one.

I found Generations church on Facebook. It was less than a year after I had moved to Denver and I was looking for a church home. A place where I could find a community of strong believers, people that I didn't just want to see on the weekends but during the week as well. I wanted a church that had a sermon I could learn from, worship music I could groove too and young people that I could connect with. 

One day while I was at work, on my work Facebook account, an Ad for Generations Church popped up. It's important to note, that I never click on ads. EVER. I understand the importance of advertising and why it's so successful but I try my best not to get sucked in. Well, on this particular day I didn't even think twice and just clicked the ad. 

Skip ahead two weeks from the day that I clicked on the ad and It was the day of the Oscars (the day that Leo would win big) and I ended up meeting everyone for the first time. They had an 'Interest hangout' at a local coffee shop in Denver. There, Pastors Jody and Mandy talked about the heart of the church and why they moved to Denver to launch Generations. 

As they were wrapping up Jody talked about when Jesus called the disciples and how he didn't tell them to go home and pray and think about whether they wanted to follow him but rather just called them and they answered the call. It was in that moment, very clearly, that I felt the Lord leading me to join and to devote my time helping Generations Church to reach the city of Denver for Christ.

Fast forward a year and seven months and here I am. An active member of a group of believers. People who challenge my faith and ideals, are there for me during harsh and happy times, people who love my family and every friend that visits. The most inviting and warm group of people I've ever met. 

I'm so blessed to have this close knit group of people that I can laugh with, cry with, celebrate with and pray with. I'm grateful for the memories that we've made so far and looking forward to the impact that we'll make in this city and the ways that we'll grow in years to come. 

If you're in the Denver area and you're looking for a home church; a place where you can find hope and experience home than Generations may just be the place for you. My life has been enriched beyond belief and it was through joining this community that I learned how much you receive when you're willing to give it all for the kingdom. 

Thank you Mandy and Jody, Ginger and Gary and the entire team for making Generations so much more than just a Sunday church for me...thank you for making it feel like home. 

XOXO. 

The Assault Rifle Chronicles.

I remember when the Aurora shooting happened. I had been in Colorado for three weeks and I woke up to sound of my phone going off over and over again. I looked at it and saw a missed call from my mom and messages from friends back home all asking me if I was okay and to call them back. 

My mind was groggy from sleep and confusion when I decided to google 'Colorado news,' and within seconds I was filled in on the horror that unfolded just a few hours earlier. During a midnight viewing of The Dark Knight Rises a gunman opened fire in a packed theater and killed 12 people and injured 70. 

Most people I know, people barely old enough to rent a car by themselves, have had similar experiences. They've gone to bed in a seemingly normal world and woken up to the news that another shooting had occurred; this time at an elementary school, or in a night club in Florida or at a music festival in Las Vegas. 

The news is crippling. 

Within 15 minutes of waking up on Monday morning I read about the news of what happened in Las Vegas and for a moment I couldn't breathe. All I could do was sit in my bed and pray. Pray to the God of the universe, the one that made the sun and the moon and all of the stars...the one who made Stephen Paddock and every person he killed. 

I asked him to give us grace for the horrible things that we do. I asked him to bring peace to our country and to our world. I prayed for Paddock's family and I prayed for the families of every person affected. I prayed for my family and Patrick and his family and all of my friends and colleagues and students. 

Then I sat in my bed and stared at the wall in silence. 

This stuff is real and it's intense and it's heavy. I was in a funk the entire day on Monday because I didn't feel right talking about seemingly trivial things and enjoying coffee and good food while people were trying to find out if their loved ones were alive.

It seems like The Assault Rifle Chronicles are a never ending series in our nation. Each episode slightly different and more disturbing than the one before, yet fitting perfectly in with the theme of the season. Each act has a different writer and a new cast but they all face the same fate, each event ending in the same blood spilling way. 

Jesus come.  

Now more than ever I believe that we need more than just empty statuses and seemingly disingenuous prayers. We need mobilized communities, people who love their children and their fellow human beings more than their guns. A nation that invites God into the mix not only after a tragedy but during the mundane and the boring, the happy and peaceful. 

Jesus come and embody love for us, because at the end of the day it's love that will turn this upside down world on it's feet again. It's when we start loving people more than we love our rights and start putting their lives and souls before amendments that I believe we'll start to see a change of tide. 

I don't know all the answers but I do know that as a writer and an educator and a follower of Christ, I feel like it's my duty to join the conversation. Actually, not JUST join the conversation but to love harder and to care for others on a deeper level and to reach out to the lost and hurting more than I ever have before.

There are too many people in this world that are hurting for us to waste time debating or fighting about ideals and beliefs. It's time to love and it's time to love in a real and tangible way, in a way that prioritizes health and safety and uses common sense.   

May the Assault Rifle Chronicles come to an end in my lifetime. May my children and my grandchildren not grow up in a world where shooter drills are taught to students in kindergarten. In a world where concerts and movie theaters are no longer safe and churches no longer sacred. May we tell a new tale, one of love, one of Christ and one of people waking up to a world more peaceful than the one they said goodnight to.

Sending you all so much love and light. Xoxo! 

P.S. You can text RESIST to 50409 and if you give them your name and zipcode they'll connect you with your state senators. You're then able to compile a message that, all through text, you're able to have faxed to those senators! Let me know if you need an idea of what to write or if you want to share the letter you sent! 

Patrick; the anchor.

It was a Thursday night and for the second week in a row I sat enveloped in tears. Life was heavy again and just like clock work it fell on the same day that it had the week before. My eyes stayed fixed on the patterned tile as tear, after tear, maneuvered it's way down my tired face. 

Patrick, hand on my knee, sat with me in silence as the air in the room seemingly became thinner and thinner. I couldn't find the words to continue to speak or to further explain my emotions, so we just sat there; In the quiet of a studio apartment I tried to remember where sadness ends and joy begins. 

Patrick, I've found, is solid. He's not easily moved or undone by the cares and the weight of life. He moves through this, often dark world, like an anchor tied firmly to a ship. He doesn't run from the storms that tend to sweep in and disrupt life but in the midst of them he's firm and consistent...he's not going anywhere. 

When a dating app brought us together, I had no idea how drastically my life would be enriched. Throughout our short time together Patrick has laughed with me, cried with me, traveled with me and encouraged me. I often wonder if I add half as much to his life as he adds to mine and I am completely undone with how well this guy loves me. 

Movies and quotes tell us to wait for a love that sets your soul on fire but I say wait for a love that holds you steady while the world around you feels like it's crumbling. Wait for a love that prays for you when you can't find the words to pray for yourself and whispers truth into your ear when all you can feel is pain. 

Patrick models Christ in everything that he does especially, lucky me, the way that he loves. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, God forbid Patrick and I ever have to part ways but if we do I'll still be a better woman and a better human because of him. I'll walk a little taller, speak with a bit more conviction and live a life that aims to love people with a firm, reliable and unwavering love. 

When the tears finally stopped falling, we sat for 20 minutes and didn't speak. I closed my eyes and soaked up the silence. As my eyes crept open I expected to see a man that was uncomfortable with the raw emotions of the moment but instead I was met by the look of love. As he poured more tea into my cup, our eyes locked and the pain that roared around me began to cease and within a moment, I was anchored. 

Playing hard to get.

On our second date Patrick took me to the Denver botanic gardens. It was late November and the garden was filled with Christmas lights, bright colors and an endless amount of decorations. One of the moments that stood out to me the most from the date was when we talked about the upcoming Broncos vs Patriots game. 

I asked him, without much thought, if he wanted to watch the game together. He said yes and that he had planned to ask me the same thing. As we walked deeper into the garden I remember thinking how cool it was that he thought in two weeks we'd still be hanging out. I was, for the first time in a very long time, impressed by a guy.

Fast forward seven months; about two weeks ago Patrick and I got some really awesome Rockies tickets.  When I saw the date on the tickets, for over 30 days away, I was taken back to our second date and the moment where I first got a glimpse of his hope for our future.

Growing up I thought that men were supposed to be hard to get, harder to understand and even harder to keep.  As I got older and I went to college and eventually traveled, this idea became firmly cemented in my brain.  In order to keep someones attention I needed to laugh a little harder than the snobby girls, give a little more than the prude girls and be sure not to text back too quickly like the eager girls. 

I remember hanging out with men that showed no interest in my passions. Guys that could laugh with me and would jump at the chance to kiss me or cop a feel but couldn't make the time to sit next to me at church. It was embedded in my brain, from hookup culture and an Over-Sexualized society, that men want to touch you but they rarely want to love you. 

Until I met Patrick. 

Patrick, from our very first date, began to unpack all of the ideas and conceptions I had about relationships. Where other men were forward and impatient, he was attentive and genuinely invested in the process of getting to know me. He wasn't mysterious or guarded about his feelings but rather was open about what he wanted and giving of his feelings towards me.

It was unnerving at first. I was so used to the games, the chasing and the wondering that I couldn't quite wrap my mind around the consistent and the reliable. I saw it everyday reflected in the character and integrity of my father but never had I experienced a date treating me the way Patrick did. 

I don't think that dating culture and the way that we currently model it is safe. It's a dirty, nasty cycle of people thinking that they can't get invested or fall in love, that they have to play hard to get; that they can give away their bodies but God forbid they give away their hearts. 

When Harry met Sally is a movie that I've grown quite fond of in the last few years. There's a part in the movie where Harry and Sally both call their friends, a couple laying in bed together, to talk about a romantic encounter that they just had with each other. After they hang up the phone the couple looks at each other and the wife, played by Carrie Fisher leans on her husbands shoulder and says "Tell me that I'll never have to be out there again." 

Lines like that are humorous but for me also very telling of what it's like to be single in a society that sends you all the wrong signals. What I'm getting at with this whole thing is that regardless of where you are in the dating universe, you deserve more than what's being sold to you. 

You deserve someone who is reliable and consistent, level headed and secure. Someone who is guarding of your heart and respects all that you have to bring to a relationship and this world and not just what's under your clothes.  Someone who even before you're in a relationship makes your dating experience easy, exciting and refreshing. Someone who adds to your self-esteem, your joy and your peace of mind.

 A person that respects and treats you so well that if you were to break up your life would still be better and more enriched from meeting them. 

Playing hard to get, being elusive and mysterious, not returning phone calls or being open about how you feel; those things do not add joy to someones life. They bring confusion and insecurity and if someone is cultivating that experience in your life, I'm sorry to say, they're not the right person for you. 

Wait for the right person, wait for someone who cares and isn't afraid or too macho to say so. 

After we took this picture I remember showing it to Patrick and us both laughing about how cute it was. As we walked deeper into the garden admiring the lights and all of the happy families, I felt a sense of security and freedom that I had never felt on a date before. The nerves and the games were gone and all that was left were too openhearted and sincere people eager to see what would become of date two.