A Thought on Bipartisan Community.

(To start this post I want to be transparent with the political views that I currently hold and a reminder of my identities. I am a Black Woman of Afro Caribbean descent living in Pennsylvania. Many of my views are progressive and align with The Green Party and I will be voting for Biden in the upcoming election. Now, let’s get started.)

Last week I started a discussion on social media. It was about being in community with people who believe differently than we do. The post stemmed from a thought that has been on my mind, off and on, for the last three years. We’re familiar with the narrative of “not talking to or being friends with,”  people who believe differently than we do and I wanted to hear from people with the opposite opinion. 

I didn’t expect for the post to get as much attention as it did. A lot of people shared their thoughts and opinions and all of their comments aligned with two trains of thoughts. Thoughts that didn’t actually answer my specific question but that did enforce a few things that I already believed to be true. Here are the two main sentiments that I saw in the comments;

1. That we can disagree on trivial  things but if we disagree on things related to what we consider to be human rights issues then we can no longer be in relationship/community with each other. 

2. That we think it’s important to be in community with people who believe differently but don’t know how to have those conversations without it leading to an argument. 

Both sentiments I understand. The second one I think is self explanatory. The first one, I used to adhere to religiously and is one that I still prescribe to in some ways and with some people. My thought behind it is, I don’t think that we ALL need to entertain ALL conversations. We don’t ALL need to be friends with ALL people. Sometimes we have to have boundaries and protect our mental health and peace by limiting the things that we talk about with people and limiting the people that we’re friends with. So that’s partially where I stand. 

With that being said, my beliefs have evolved a lot in the last few years. When it comes to the idea of not even associating with people who believe, on a foundational level differently than we do, I find myself concerned. I am concerned that our friend group, our group of associates, our workplace, is not bipartisan. When I say bipartisan I mean it in the truest context of the word. Composed of people who have beliefs that are on opposite sides of certain issues but can still come together in agreement. 

I am concerned that we may be living in echo chambers and surrounding ourselves only with people who mirror our beliefs and values. 

I am concerned by this because I think it’s harmful. Not just harmful to us in the way that it can impact our ability to see humanity in other people but also extremely detrimental to our society.  I don’t see how that strategy leads to societal growth. I’m concerned because I don’t understand how minds can be changed and belief systems reevaluated if they’re never challenged in love. I don’t see how we can grow and add depth to our morals and values that way. 

I don’t see how we expect to see laws pass through the House and the Senate that way. I understand where the sentiment comes from but I just don’t understand how it’s effective in making our country a more equitable place. 

Unpopular opinion; there is humanity to be found in opposing views and the people that hold them. I think that when we approach someone with curiosity and not judgement and they do the same for us, we have a chance to understand the root of their belief systems. Again, I’m not talking about hateful, racial slur slinging BIGOTS. I’m talking about people who voted republican that you don’t like because they voted for Trump. I’m talking about people who voted democrat that you don’t like because they voted for Hillary. 

I’m talking about the democrats that you don’t like because you think they support babies being “killed.” I’m talking about the Republicans that you don’t like because you think they support children being separated from their parents at the southern border.

I’m talking about people who are voting in a way that they think is the most moral and humanity affirming way and yet it’s different from the way that I’m voting or that you’re voting. 

Is it possible that the opposing view (the democrat view, the republican view) is not always rooted in the hate that we believe it to be? Is it possible? I would like to find out. I am interested in seeing what happens when people with good intentions and strong morality, that plays out in vastly different ways, agree to see and affirm the humanity in the other.

I am interested in seeing what happens and if it leads to people understanding things better and voting differently based on that new understanding. I’m interested in seeing if the curious search for humanity can lead to a person changing the language that they use because they discover that it is hurtful to someone they’re now in relationship with. 

I think it’s easy to just believe that people are selfish and hateful and I think many are but I truly believe that most aren’t. So...what does that mean? What does that lead to? I’m not sure but I’m interested to find out.

The One on Anxiety

The day after Patrick and I got engaged was one of the most confusing days of my life. I remember it vividly. I was at work and I remember showing everyone my ring and smiling but not actually feeling happy. I knew that getting engaged was what I wanted and that I wanted to be with Patrick forever but I couldn’t help but to feel anxious and stressed.

I remember being really baffled by my feelings. Just 24 hours earlier I had my dream cemetery proposal and now I was telling people about it and pretending to be happy. Our proposal was magical and everything I ever wanted and yet there I was, a day later, feeling uneasy and afraid.

So, I went downstairs and placed one of the most important phone calls of my life. I called a therapist. When they answered they asked me some questions about my life, if anything was going on and what led to me calling. I remember thinking about the engagement and how much I loved my job and how things in my life actually were going really well.

They asked me if I was feeling sad about anything. I remember trying to answer them but before I could I just started to sob. I responded to them and said “on paper my life is perfect but I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of heaviness and dread. I should be happy but I’m not. I’m just afraid.”

I remember crying for what felt like forever but was probably only a minute or two. The person on the line thanked me for sharing and said that I could schedule an appointment for the next day.

That was two and a half years ago, I have been going to therapy for anxiety ever since. I’ve been in counseling for a little over two years but I think I’ve been struggling with anxiety for almost five years. The three years before I started therapy were wildly perplexing. I thought I was going mad. I couldn’t understand why certain things would make me feel so much fear. Why certain scenarios made my shoulders feel heavy and my chest tight.

Honestly, I still don’t understand why it happens but at least I know what IS happening. When my heart is beating fast like I just went for a jog and my hands are sweaty, I’m not having a heart attack; it’s anxiety.

There were times when I would get ready to go to work and I would feel this intense fear come over me and thoughts of dying in a car accident would flood my mind. I would stand outside my car, keys in hand, unable to open the door and get in. The feeling was almost crippling. I felt so shackled by the anxiety.

I’m bringing this up today because in the last few weeks I’ve felt freer. I can feel myself coping better. I can feel myself walking through situations with less fear and less nervousness. I can feel myself having less anxiety than I did before. Less anxiety than I did six days ago even. The therapy is working ( in conjunction with meditation and prayer ) and I wish that I had the courage and the resources to start going sooner.

I wish that I thought of therapy earlier. I wish that someone had suggested it to me sooner. I wish that someone would have told me that I wasn’t going mad, or having a heart attack but rather feeling a normal emotion that lots of people feel.

In the last few weeks I’ve felt freer and that made me think that maybe if I speak up, other people could feel freer too.

It doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to suffer in silence. There is no shame in what you’re going through. You are loved and wanted and you are deserving of brighter days. If you’re struggling with anxiety you’re not alone and if you need to talk to someone that’s not a sign of weakness but rather strength.

Therapy has taught me that I am not broken but rather beautifully human. That I am not a freak but rather extremely normal and, in the majority, in regards to how I’m feeling. Therapy has taught me that to be vocal about my pain and my fears is to release myself from their hold on me.

My name is Nicole Magloire and I struggle with anxiety. I am currently in therapy; I have a session tonight actually and in the last few months I’ve seen a lot of improvement. I believe that there is freedom in sharing our stories and that there is no shame in struggling with our mental health or seeking professional help.

I am whole, I am normal and I am free.

Until next time,

Xoxo – N

I didn't sign up for this...

If I was outside of the staff bathroom, I’d grab all of the students closest to me and hide there. The bathroom door can’t be opened without a key so that would be a safe place to hide.

If I was in the hallway on the North side of the building I’d either duck in to the auditorium or run out the Admin parking lot door.

If I was in the middle of the hallway on the North side I’d have to hide with one of the other teachers in their classroom but If there doors were already shut and they couldn’t let me in, I’d just have to run.

(Thoughts of a school staff member, the day after a school shooting.)

I never planned to go in to education. I studied Communications in college and wanted to be a journalist. But of course, life worked the way that it often does and opportunity after opportunity found it’s way to me until I ended up here, in education. It’s a career and a field that I’m extremely passionate about, one that allows me to have an impact on the next generation but not one that I ever imagined I’d have to risk my life for.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I spent most of the morning trying not to cry. My eyes continuously filled with tears at the oddest moments and it took every ounce of my composure to not lose it. Walking in to a school building 24 hours after a student, in your city, died in one is a feeling that I’ll never forget. I spent the work day trying to focus on the tasks at hand and not the storm of grief that roared in my chest. I was angry…actually I was livid but more than that I was distraught thinking about the teachers that lost a student, the parents that lost their child and Kendrick Castillo…the young man that lost his life.

Last night we attended a church service that was scheduled in response to the shooting at STEM. Within minutes of getting there all of the tears that I had been holding in all day began to stream down my face. The storm that I’d so carefully held in began to pour out of me and I just sat there and sobbed. The pastor began to speak and the first thing he did was affirm us and our pain. He encouraged us to lament for what had happened and for the life that had been lost and told us that he planned to do the same.

He told us that it was important to not push our feelings of fear and anxiety and pain away because that’s not healthy. Rather he invited us to feel it all, everything that was raging inside of us in that moment and to invite God in to it. To give God room to sit with us in the midst of our sadness and to lay his hand on our pain.

As I sat there overcome with grief I felt so free. Free to feel without trying to turn a tragedy into a testimony. Free to grieve without needing to explain that of course I still believe that God is good and sovereign. It was beautiful. After about 30 minutes of worship and time to grieve and pray, the pastor came back up and led us in a new direction.

He spoke about the truth of Christ and his resurrection. That even in times where it feels like death has one, times where we can feel it’s sting we must still remember that Jesus defeated the grave and died so that we might have life. He invited us in that moment to pray to God and ask him for hope. Hope in the face of darkness, hope in the midst of pain, hope that there will be an end to this and that these stories won’t continue.

At times, I feel so overcome with sadness thinking about school shootings and the students and staff that lose their lives in them. I’m sad over the moments where I consider a change of career…one that’s less dangerous, one where I don’t run the risk of seeing my students or colleagues murdered. I grieve over those thoughts and the reality of this week.

I don’t have any encouraging words to say or a bright bow to put on the crappy box that is this reality but I can say without a doubt that today my hope is found in Christ and Christ alone. I pray that God fills us with hope that the darkness won’t last forever.

I pray that God gives us wisdom and courage to make decisions, legislation and the changes that need to be made in order to keep our kids and our educators safe. I pray that no more students are killed in buildings when all they want is to learn. Jesus give us hope again.

“How long ‘til your children find your rest?

How long ‘til you draw them to your breast

We go on holding to your promises- how long?

‘Til you wipe away the tears from every eye

‘Til we see our home descending from the sky

Do we wait in vain?

Jesus, give us hope again? “

Generations Church; Year one.

I found Generations church on Facebook. It was less than a year after I had moved to Denver and I was looking for a church home. A place where I could find a community of strong believers, people that I didn't just want to see on the weekends but during the week as well. I wanted a church that had a sermon I could learn from, worship music I could groove too and young people that I could connect with. 

One day while I was at work, on my work Facebook account, an Ad for Generations Church popped up. It's important to note, that I never click on ads. EVER. I understand the importance of advertising and why it's so successful but I try my best not to get sucked in. Well, on this particular day I didn't even think twice and just clicked the ad. 

Skip ahead two weeks from the day that I clicked on the ad and It was the day of the Oscars (the day that Leo would win big) and I ended up meeting everyone for the first time. They had an 'Interest hangout' at a local coffee shop in Denver. There, Pastors Jody and Mandy talked about the heart of the church and why they moved to Denver to launch Generations. 

As they were wrapping up Jody talked about when Jesus called the disciples and how he didn't tell them to go home and pray and think about whether they wanted to follow him but rather just called them and they answered the call. It was in that moment, very clearly, that I felt the Lord leading me to join and to devote my time helping Generations Church to reach the city of Denver for Christ.

Fast forward a year and seven months and here I am. An active member of a group of believers. People who challenge my faith and ideals, are there for me during harsh and happy times, people who love my family and every friend that visits. The most inviting and warm group of people I've ever met. 

I'm so blessed to have this close knit group of people that I can laugh with, cry with, celebrate with and pray with. I'm grateful for the memories that we've made so far and looking forward to the impact that we'll make in this city and the ways that we'll grow in years to come. 

If you're in the Denver area and you're looking for a home church; a place where you can find hope and experience home than Generations may just be the place for you. My life has been enriched beyond belief and it was through joining this community that I learned how much you receive when you're willing to give it all for the kingdom. 

Thank you Mandy and Jody, Ginger and Gary and the entire team for making Generations so much more than just a Sunday church for me...thank you for making it feel like home. 

XOXO. 

The Assault Rifle Chronicles.

I remember when the Aurora shooting happened. I had been in Colorado for three weeks and I woke up to sound of my phone going off over and over again. I looked at it and saw a missed call from my mom and messages from friends back home all asking me if I was okay and to call them back. 

My mind was groggy from sleep and confusion when I decided to google 'Colorado news,' and within seconds I was filled in on the horror that unfolded just a few hours earlier. During a midnight viewing of The Dark Knight Rises a gunman opened fire in a packed theater and killed 12 people and injured 70. 

Most people I know, people barely old enough to rent a car by themselves, have had similar experiences. They've gone to bed in a seemingly normal world and woken up to the news that another shooting had occurred; this time at an elementary school, or in a night club in Florida or at a music festival in Las Vegas. 

The news is crippling. 

Within 15 minutes of waking up on Monday morning I read about the news of what happened in Las Vegas and for a moment I couldn't breathe. All I could do was sit in my bed and pray. Pray to the God of the universe, the one that made the sun and the moon and all of the stars...the one who made Stephen Paddock and every person he killed. 

I asked him to give us grace for the horrible things that we do. I asked him to bring peace to our country and to our world. I prayed for Paddock's family and I prayed for the families of every person affected. I prayed for my family and Patrick and his family and all of my friends and colleagues and students. 

Then I sat in my bed and stared at the wall in silence. 

This stuff is real and it's intense and it's heavy. I was in a funk the entire day on Monday because I didn't feel right talking about seemingly trivial things and enjoying coffee and good food while people were trying to find out if their loved ones were alive.

It seems like The Assault Rifle Chronicles are a never ending series in our nation. Each episode slightly different and more disturbing than the one before, yet fitting perfectly in with the theme of the season. Each act has a different writer and a new cast but they all face the same fate, each event ending in the same blood spilling way. 

Jesus come.  

Now more than ever I believe that we need more than just empty statuses and seemingly disingenuous prayers. We need mobilized communities, people who love their children and their fellow human beings more than their guns. A nation that invites God into the mix not only after a tragedy but during the mundane and the boring, the happy and peaceful. 

Jesus come and embody love for us, because at the end of the day it's love that will turn this upside down world on it's feet again. It's when we start loving people more than we love our rights and start putting their lives and souls before amendments that I believe we'll start to see a change of tide. 

I don't know all the answers but I do know that as a writer and an educator and a follower of Christ, I feel like it's my duty to join the conversation. Actually, not JUST join the conversation but to love harder and to care for others on a deeper level and to reach out to the lost and hurting more than I ever have before.

There are too many people in this world that are hurting for us to waste time debating or fighting about ideals and beliefs. It's time to love and it's time to love in a real and tangible way, in a way that prioritizes health and safety and uses common sense.   

May the Assault Rifle Chronicles come to an end in my lifetime. May my children and my grandchildren not grow up in a world where shooter drills are taught to students in kindergarten. In a world where concerts and movie theaters are no longer safe and churches no longer sacred. May we tell a new tale, one of love, one of Christ and one of people waking up to a world more peaceful than the one they said goodnight to.

Sending you all so much love and light. Xoxo! 

P.S. You can text RESIST to 50409 and if you give them your name and zipcode they'll connect you with your state senators. You're then able to compile a message that, all through text, you're able to have faxed to those senators! Let me know if you need an idea of what to write or if you want to share the letter you sent! 

Patrick; the anchor.

It was a Thursday night and for the second week in a row I sat enveloped in tears. Life was heavy again and just like clock work it fell on the same day that it had the week before. My eyes stayed fixed on the patterned tile as tear, after tear, maneuvered it's way down my tired face. 

Patrick, hand on my knee, sat with me in silence as the air in the room seemingly became thinner and thinner. I couldn't find the words to continue to speak or to further explain my emotions, so we just sat there; In the quiet of a studio apartment I tried to remember where sadness ends and joy begins. 

Patrick, I've found, is solid. He's not easily moved or undone by the cares and the weight of life. He moves through this, often dark world, like an anchor tied firmly to a ship. He doesn't run from the storms that tend to sweep in and disrupt life but in the midst of them he's firm and consistent...he's not going anywhere. 

When a dating app brought us together, I had no idea how drastically my life would be enriched. Throughout our short time together Patrick has laughed with me, cried with me, traveled with me and encouraged me. I often wonder if I add half as much to his life as he adds to mine and I am completely undone with how well this guy loves me. 

Movies and quotes tell us to wait for a love that sets your soul on fire but I say wait for a love that holds you steady while the world around you feels like it's crumbling. Wait for a love that prays for you when you can't find the words to pray for yourself and whispers truth into your ear when all you can feel is pain. 

Patrick models Christ in everything that he does especially, lucky me, the way that he loves. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, God forbid Patrick and I ever have to part ways but if we do I'll still be a better woman and a better human because of him. I'll walk a little taller, speak with a bit more conviction and live a life that aims to love people with a firm, reliable and unwavering love. 

When the tears finally stopped falling, we sat for 20 minutes and didn't speak. I closed my eyes and soaked up the silence. As my eyes crept open I expected to see a man that was uncomfortable with the raw emotions of the moment but instead I was met by the look of love. As he poured more tea into my cup, our eyes locked and the pain that roared around me began to cease and within a moment, I was anchored. 

The importance of representation.

This week I went on one of my first field trips in years. Myself and a few of my colleagues took a group of thirty high school students on a trip to the Denver Police Department and it was awesome.

DPD is one of the many groups that sends their staff to mentor in our classrooms. Out of the 30 students that we took, about ten or so of them have mentors that are cops. It was such a positive and inspiring experience because having cops as their mentors has completely changed their perception of law enforcement. Where these students once saw just a badge and someone who saw them as only a nuisance, they now see a mentor, friend and a role model. 

Something that really impacted me from the experience was meeting the Executive Director of safety for Denver. The person that holds this position is in charge of over seeing everything that has to do with safety in Denver, that includes fire, police and the sheriffs department. Pretty much the Executive Director is the head honcho, the main boss and all around a big deal and surprisingly to me an African American woman. 

When Executive Director O'Malley, stood in front of us and started welcoming us and sharing about her role and responsibilities, I was mystified. It was so cool to see someone that looked like me and like a lot of the female students that we brought on the trip, holding the highest position in the building and one of the highest positions in the city. I hung on to every word that she shared and when she finished I sat back in my chair feeling like I had just experienced something really important. 

When the field trip wrapped up and I walked my group of students back to the train I was deeply moved by the conversations that I overheard.

"I think I want to be a cop someday," one girl said, " I think I want to be like the Director of safety," another young lady shared. Where they once struggled to see possibilities, they now saw themselves represented clear as day. 

It is so important for young people of color to see themselves portrayed in high profile jobs and in the media. I am overjoyed that kids that are in school right now are able to grow up having lived through the tenure of our first black president. I'm excited that young ladies are able to see the first African American Bachelorette. More than anything, I'm elated over that fact that my students are able to see people of color holding offices that are impacting their communities. 

Mentioning the Bachelorette makes me feel a little silly but honestly I do think that this is monumental for young women of color. For them to turn on their televisions and turn to one of the most popular shows in this country and see someone who is educated, wise, beautiful, composed AND looks like them...that's important. 

Representation is a necessity. I was reminded of the importance of that this week. Growing up I so wanted to be a doctor and when I got to college and the road was rougher than I thought, I dropped that dream like a hot plate. This week was the first time, since changing my major and exploring different career options, that I wondered if my choices could have been different. If I had grown up being mentored by a woman of color that was a doctor or if I had a doctor that was a person of color, would I have made a different choice? 

Would I have tried harder? Where I saw uncertainty and the impossible would I have thought of her and seen a tangible example of hope? It's hard to tell and since I love what I do so much, I honestly don't want to spend too much time thinking about it. What I do know, is that walking to the Police station none of my girls mentioned wanting to go into Public safety or any career for that matter but on the walk back, they all did. 

There is power in thinking about your dream job and being able to recall a memory of people who walk like, talk like and look like you in those positions. There's a confidence that comes and I think in your subconscious a switch is flipped and it tells you that people who look like you have done it and so can you. 

Representation is an essential step in giving young people of color the proper tools to be able to achieve their goals. It's the black president, the first Latina Justice on the Supreme court, it's the African American woman saving NASA and the first Muslim American man winning an Oscar.

It's about giving young adults, both male and female, an image to focus on, one that mirrors who they are and what they can be. One that gives them hope, inspires them to dream and allows them to see themselves serving in any capacity that they wish.

I wish every adult that interacted with our students treated them the way that those cops did. They treated them like they were the future, like they had potential and like our city will be a better place because of each and every one of them. They showed them Officers, Commanders and Directors who looked like them. People who told them that the sky was the limit and I think for the first time in maybe their entire lives, our students could actually see it and without hesitation, believed it.

Denver, Colorado...year one.

A year ago today my whole world changed. I carefully packed my entire life into two suitcases, a backpack and a carry on and hoped on a plane to move from Pennsylvania to Denver.

At the time I genuinely had no idea what the future held for me. I  knew that I had a place to live and a job but the rest...well the rest I was hoping to figure out as soon as possible.

In the twelve months that I've been in this city I've lived at three different addresses, changed careers, bought a car, cried too many times, laughed till I peed and so much more. This year was unexpected, predictable, terrifying and exciting all at the same time and as I look back on it, it's hard for me to believe that I came out on the other side better than I started.

So right now, in this space, I just want to take a moment to reflect on this past year and how I've been impacted and forever changed by this city.

One of the first things I learned when I moved to Denver is that it's not impossible for things that you're excited about to turn into things that terrify you. My first night here, I laid in my bed on the phone with my best friend and cried for what seemed like hours. Unlike all the other times when I left home, this one felt permanent, less flexible and like I was forever leaving all of my family and friends behind. Very dramatic, I know.

I couldn't understand how I could be so sad about being there when just hours earlier I was beyond excited and ready for the adventure. My friend told me to give it more than 12 hours, to take it one day at a time and to know that I could always go home to my family. That night, as I drifted off to sleep on my tear soaked pillow I was comforted by the truth that sometimes new adventures can be daunting and that's okay.

Another thing that I've learned this year is that in order to build strong, healthy and life giving relationships you have to be willing to abandon your comfort zone. The first few months of living in Denver I was so lonely and disconnected from the city. Besides going to church on the weekend by myself I was not open to saying "yes" to new situations at all. Fear of the new and unknown left me feeling, for the first time in years, like I only had one true friend.

Thankfully, that one friend was someone who really pushed me to meet new people and to step out of my comfort zone and it made all the difference. Now, I not only have a community of diverse, passionate and talented people around me but I'm a more dynamic and well rounded human. It was by making myself uncomfortable and putting myself in awkward situations that I was able to meet people that pour into my life in so many ways and help me to be a better person. You'll never reach your full potential with people and relationships without jumping outside of what feels safe and trusting that the net that's supposed to catch you, will do just that.

Last but not least I learned that with each dark transition comes a sunny and bright horizon. It might seem cliche or corny to say but my darkest moments in Denver can't compare to the joy that I've found here.

Denver's magic far outweighs it's nightmares. It's a city where you'll meet people from all over the country and even the world. People that have made the same decision as you, people who have uprooted their entire lives to chase a dream, a job opportunity and even love. It's a city of music and art, of love and loss, of mountains and deserts. It's a place that's big enough to get lost in but also small enough to be found and it's with ease and excitement that I can say that for me, it's a place I call home.

You don't have to move to a new city or change your entire lifestyle to find yourself but for me, that's exactly how it happened. Whether you're in transition, feeling a little lost or simply searching for purpose in an ever changing world, know that with time all storms are calmed.

So cheers to Denver for embracing me, another east coast transplant, into it's lovely terrain. After one year of being on it's soil, Denver is deeply rooted in me. I'm connected, I'm invested, I'm here.

XOXO.