Anger and joy.

You guys, lately I've been doing a bit of swearing in my head. Maybe as a Christian I shouldn't say that I swear in my mind but in the words of the Stranger Things gang 'Friends don't lie," so there's that. Out loud I say things like "F word" or "Darn it" but in my head, I'm cussing like a sailor and rolling my eyes so hard that they're one frustrating moment away from rolling right out of my face.

Sometimes I just feel like a pot, two seconds away from boiling over. On the outside I'm cool, calm and collected but on the inside I'm bouncing around like a ball in a pinball machine. I took an inventory of those feelings recently; I looked at how frequently they occur and what typically precedes them and what I discovered is something pretty interesting. 

I found out that I'm filled with anger. Real, tangible anger. Anger that fills my mind and though I don't let it flood out, because I'm trying to watch what I say, is roaring inside of me like a monster in a cage.

I feel it every single day. Anger towards people, towards systems, towards mistakes, friends, pain and so many other things. An anger that just boils and boils, never losing steam. I thought it was just simple annoyance or frustration but now I realize that instead it's complex rage. 

And am I wrong for constantly feeling a little upset? I mean, there are so many things in this world to be angry about. A shallow culture that is obsessed with image and status runs parallel with a world that is crippling under the weight of injustice and unequal distribution of wealth. Everyday someone new, someone with status and power, is accused of sexual assault and harassment; and every 10 seconds someone in our world dies from hunger related causes. 

There's a lot to be angry about. 

I was recently reading past journal entries and I came across a mantra that I told myself I was going to start saying every morning and it said 'I will choose joy and give grace." I will CHOOSE joy and GIVE grace, what a powerful statement.

I think that if you're paying attention, at all, there's a lot to be enraged about. Anger is easy, it's a comfortable seat that we can just slide in to and make ourselves at home. It's a place where we can constantly get fuel for our fire, each injustice, frustration and wrong aspect of our world serving as kindling and lighter fluid. 

Choosing joy, that's a bit more difficult. It's a decision that we make where we say that despite the turmoil and infuriating things I see around me, I will not be swept up in the mess. I will be in the world but not of the world. I will choose joy. 

I will choose joy because anger is too heavy of a burden to bear. I will choose joy because joy is what clears my mind to be able to make a difference in all of the areas of life that are so cracked and bruised. I will choose joy because the bible says in Nehemiah that "The joy of the Lord is your strength." 

Anger makes you weak. Anger leaves you bitter and confused and disoriented. Anger makes you lash out and scream swear words from the corners of your mind, while wearing a fake smile on your lips. I do think that there are moments to be angry and things worth being angry about but I don't think that anger is a place that you should unpack and decide to live. 

So I'm moving out. 

I'm gathering my things, calling a cab and only looking forward as we pull away. I want control over the things that I set my mind on and that starts with choosing to meditate on the things that bring me peace. I don't think that there will ever be a time in my life where I'm not moved and upset by things going on in this world but I want the desire for peace to be what fuels me.

I don't want my home to be anger. I want my home to be joy so that's what I'm choosing. 

Xoxo,

N. 

Generations Church; Year one.

I found Generations church on Facebook. It was less than a year after I had moved to Denver and I was looking for a church home. A place where I could find a community of strong believers, people that I didn't just want to see on the weekends but during the week as well. I wanted a church that had a sermon I could learn from, worship music I could groove too and young people that I could connect with. 

One day while I was at work, on my work Facebook account, an Ad for Generations Church popped up. It's important to note, that I never click on ads. EVER. I understand the importance of advertising and why it's so successful but I try my best not to get sucked in. Well, on this particular day I didn't even think twice and just clicked the ad. 

Skip ahead two weeks from the day that I clicked on the ad and It was the day of the Oscars (the day that Leo would win big) and I ended up meeting everyone for the first time. They had an 'Interest hangout' at a local coffee shop in Denver. There, Pastors Jody and Mandy talked about the heart of the church and why they moved to Denver to launch Generations. 

As they were wrapping up Jody talked about when Jesus called the disciples and how he didn't tell them to go home and pray and think about whether they wanted to follow him but rather just called them and they answered the call. It was in that moment, very clearly, that I felt the Lord leading me to join and to devote my time helping Generations Church to reach the city of Denver for Christ.

Fast forward a year and seven months and here I am. An active member of a group of believers. People who challenge my faith and ideals, are there for me during harsh and happy times, people who love my family and every friend that visits. The most inviting and warm group of people I've ever met. 

I'm so blessed to have this close knit group of people that I can laugh with, cry with, celebrate with and pray with. I'm grateful for the memories that we've made so far and looking forward to the impact that we'll make in this city and the ways that we'll grow in years to come. 

If you're in the Denver area and you're looking for a home church; a place where you can find hope and experience home than Generations may just be the place for you. My life has been enriched beyond belief and it was through joining this community that I learned how much you receive when you're willing to give it all for the kingdom. 

Thank you Mandy and Jody, Ginger and Gary and the entire team for making Generations so much more than just a Sunday church for me...thank you for making it feel like home. 

XOXO. 

Playing hard to get.

On our second date Patrick took me to the Denver botanic gardens. It was late November and the garden was filled with Christmas lights, bright colors and an endless amount of decorations. One of the moments that stood out to me the most from the date was when we talked about the upcoming Broncos vs Patriots game. 

I asked him, without much thought, if he wanted to watch the game together. He said yes and that he had planned to ask me the same thing. As we walked deeper into the garden I remember thinking how cool it was that he thought in two weeks we'd still be hanging out. I was, for the first time in a very long time, impressed by a guy.

Fast forward seven months; about two weeks ago Patrick and I got some really awesome Rockies tickets.  When I saw the date on the tickets, for over 30 days away, I was taken back to our second date and the moment where I first got a glimpse of his hope for our future.

Growing up I thought that men were supposed to be hard to get, harder to understand and even harder to keep.  As I got older and I went to college and eventually traveled, this idea became firmly cemented in my brain.  In order to keep someones attention I needed to laugh a little harder than the snobby girls, give a little more than the prude girls and be sure not to text back too quickly like the eager girls. 

I remember hanging out with men that showed no interest in my passions. Guys that could laugh with me and would jump at the chance to kiss me or cop a feel but couldn't make the time to sit next to me at church. It was embedded in my brain, from hookup culture and an Over-Sexualized society, that men want to touch you but they rarely want to love you. 

Until I met Patrick. 

Patrick, from our very first date, began to unpack all of the ideas and conceptions I had about relationships. Where other men were forward and impatient, he was attentive and genuinely invested in the process of getting to know me. He wasn't mysterious or guarded about his feelings but rather was open about what he wanted and giving of his feelings towards me.

It was unnerving at first. I was so used to the games, the chasing and the wondering that I couldn't quite wrap my mind around the consistent and the reliable. I saw it everyday reflected in the character and integrity of my father but never had I experienced a date treating me the way Patrick did. 

I don't think that dating culture and the way that we currently model it is safe. It's a dirty, nasty cycle of people thinking that they can't get invested or fall in love, that they have to play hard to get; that they can give away their bodies but God forbid they give away their hearts. 

When Harry met Sally is a movie that I've grown quite fond of in the last few years. There's a part in the movie where Harry and Sally both call their friends, a couple laying in bed together, to talk about a romantic encounter that they just had with each other. After they hang up the phone the couple looks at each other and the wife, played by Carrie Fisher leans on her husbands shoulder and says "Tell me that I'll never have to be out there again." 

Lines like that are humorous but for me also very telling of what it's like to be single in a society that sends you all the wrong signals. What I'm getting at with this whole thing is that regardless of where you are in the dating universe, you deserve more than what's being sold to you. 

You deserve someone who is reliable and consistent, level headed and secure. Someone who is guarding of your heart and respects all that you have to bring to a relationship and this world and not just what's under your clothes.  Someone who even before you're in a relationship makes your dating experience easy, exciting and refreshing. Someone who adds to your self-esteem, your joy and your peace of mind.

 A person that respects and treats you so well that if you were to break up your life would still be better and more enriched from meeting them. 

Playing hard to get, being elusive and mysterious, not returning phone calls or being open about how you feel; those things do not add joy to someones life. They bring confusion and insecurity and if someone is cultivating that experience in your life, I'm sorry to say, they're not the right person for you. 

Wait for the right person, wait for someone who cares and isn't afraid or too macho to say so. 

After we took this picture I remember showing it to Patrick and us both laughing about how cute it was. As we walked deeper into the garden admiring the lights and all of the happy families, I felt a sense of security and freedom that I had never felt on a date before. The nerves and the games were gone and all that was left were too openhearted and sincere people eager to see what would become of date two. 

Lovely.

The other day I took a trip to my favorite coffee shop. Across from me was a young lady, about my age, with long red hair and clear green eyes and every time I looked up she was staring at me. It was kind of an intense situation because she was only sitting one table away from me. The more I tried to avoid her eye contact the more awkward and weird I felt.

I had just gotten to the coffee shop so I was still settling in and putting my things down and when I finally went to get a cup of coffee she spoke to me.

She looked me right in the eyes and she said “Hi, how are you?” I smiled and told her that I was doing fine and then asked how she was doing. She told me that she was doing well and then a huge smile spread across her face and she said “You are lovely, I noticed that when you walked in and had to tell you.”

I couldn’t help but to laugh. As far as looks were concerned I wasn’t having my best morning. I had gone to bed late the night before and woke up early to meet Patrick for breakfast before he went to work. My face felt tired and my body matched those sentiments. In that moment, lovely was not the word I would have used to describe myself. Yet there I was, surrounded by people I didn’t know and where I saw a frazzled hot mess this lady with flowing red hair saw something lovely.

How often do we do that? We look at ourselves and see all the flaws, all the things that are out of place and the things that aren’t quite right. We see the bags under our eyes and the air of exhaustion radiating from our skin and miss all the layers of ‘lovely’ that envelope us.

I took a break from blogging recently. My reasoning was that I thought I needed to refocus. I thought I needed space to clear my head and find the beauty in the ashes but now I think the truth is that I got caught up in the mess. I got so caught up, in fact,  that I was lost in the cobwebs and the dust and missed all of the gorgeous layers and hints of lovely.

The thing about commitment, real commitment, is that it’s independent of feelings. I won’t always feel like writing, I won’t always feel like my thoughts or opinions are valuable and I’m sure that I won’t always feel like I have something important to share. Commitment though, doesn’t really care about how I feel. Commitment calls out to my integrity and requires of me that I show up and do what I said that I would do regardless of how I feel.

Because when you learn to show up, even when most of you feels unprepared, unmotivated and even unworthy, that's when you start to realize that lovely things are all around you. It's in the follow through of our word and being willing to step into the uncomfortable places that we learn how to really see it.

So here I am. An inexperienced, passionate, joy filled and sometimes unmotivated writer ready to embark on a journey with you. One where I commit to the process and instead of being attached to the outcome I become attached to always showing up.

I encourage you to master the art of showing up, it'll be especially useful if you ever find yourself in the place that I found myself a month ago. Feeling like an arrow. Like I needed to pull back in order to be shot forward. Regardless of how you feel, show up and be committed to your word. You might be feeling like an arrow but maybe you're meant to be an anchor. Steady, unmovable, reliable, always staying in place even when the waves are rolling and the storm is raging.

So for now I'm committing to that. To being the anchor even when I feel like I'd much rather be an arrow. Maybe one day I'll run into you in a coffee shop. You'll be standing there thinking that you look frazzled, unwashed, and a mess and I'll be the one staring, trying to find the words to describe something so lovely.

Xoxo,