Creating Onramps and Inviting In.

Before Patrick and I left Denver, we attended an event at Denver University. It was one of many talks in a collection called Catalyst Series for Social Justice. The main speaker was an activist from Baltimore named DeRay Mckesson. DeRay said a lot of things that impacted me but there was one comment he made that stuck. DeRay said, “we don’t all enter conversations at the same point or level, so sometimes you have to create onramps for people.”

Creating onramps for people…what a concept.  It’s something that I think about often. I used to think and journal about it daily. How do we create onramps? It’s difficult and takes time and practice. It requires that you see the other person’s point of view and where they are in their learning. I think it requires love and patience and grace. It demands that you step outside of yourself and your feelings in order to serve the relationship.

I have not mastered the art of creating onramps but I do think that I have reached a level of proficiency. To me, creating onramps means disagreeing with people well and respectfully. Lovingly sharing information and pointing out wrong doings. It’s about prioritizing the relationship while still valuing truth and your own mental and emotional well-being.

I want to be clear that I’m not talking about engaging with acquaintances. This is not a toolkit for how to deal with some random dude online that says racist and hurtful things. I’m talking about the people in our lives that we want to continue to be in our lives. Our friends and relatives. People that we love and cherish. People who we can trust. People who love us and want the best for us and yet at times, say and do things that hurt and disappoint us. So, when that happens how should we respond?

If someone I love posts something that bothers me, feels dismissive of my feelings or is even racist, the first thing I do before I message them is check my intentions. I do that by asking myself a series of questions. Why am I messaging them? What do I hope to gain from this interaction? What exactly did they say or do that bothers me? Was their comment actually racist or did it just offend me? Am I in the right frame of mind to have a thoughtful discussion?

It’s important for me that I’m able to formulate answers to those questions. If my intentions are not aligned with the goal of creating onramps and inviting them INTO a conversation, then I do not engage. I do this for the sake of the relationship. I do not want to say something from a place of anger and pain that blocks learning and progress, even if that anger and pain is warranted.

Once I’ve checked my intentions and find them to be aligned with my values, I take a moment to outline what happened and identify why it’s problematic. In order to do this, I again ask myself a series of questions. What did they say? Why is it dangerous? Why was it hurtful to me? How could this be hurtful to others? How does that belief system or rhetoric connect to bigger systemic issues?

I like to believe that when our friends and family say or post hurtful things, that it’s not intentional. I have to believe in good intent even when the outcome is painful. So, when I’m answering these questions, I’m attempting to meet them where they are and to draw a line for them. A line from what they said to where it landed.

This takes a lot of mental and emotional work. Which is why I don’t do it for everybody. When a random person that I met in college says something crazy online, even if I considered them to be a friend, I delete them. That might sound extreme, maybe it is extreme but for me it’s necessary. It takes so much energy and space to engage in these conversations that I make it a priority to do so thoughtfully and sparingly. When I count the costs, sometimes I find that it’s emotionally and mentally cheaper to just remove that person from my space then to muster up the energy to have a discussion.

Connecting what a person said to a bigger systemic issue is something I learned from Ijeoma Oluo in her book So You Want to Talk About Race. The idea is to show them how their comments can have far reaching impacts. The words that we say, especially ones that perpetuate racist and prejudice stereotypes, have power. When someone makes a joke about a Black woman being aggressive because she advocated for herself, it’s not just problematic, it’s harmful.

Those kinds of stereotypes when believed by a supervisor can lead to a person getting written up or even fired. If I can’t speak up without someone calling me aggressive, confrontational or a threat, that can lead to me internalizing that belief and advocating for myself less. Which can lead to me potentially enduring abusive situations because of fear of being labeled and stereotyped.

When we show the people in our lives how their beliefs and their comments cause real harm, I believe it humanizes the issue for them. It goes from being just a “joke”, or just a “comment”, to being something that is hurting their loved ones. So that’s why I make it plain and clear and outline the pain that has been caused and how it connects to a bigger issue.

Once I have checked my intentions, outlined what happened and identify why it’s problematic the last thing that I do before reaching out is set a goal. I set a goal so that I can have a north star to guide me through the conversation. Something to navigate towards, and direct me so that I don’t get too sidetracked and end up defeating the purpose.

I center the goal on aspects of the conversation that I can control. For example a goal may be “to clearly communicate how their comment perpetuates racist stereotypes.” It’s a goal that is simple, clear and easy to follow. The goal is also realistic. I stray away from creating goals like “to make sure they never say or post anything harmful again.” A goal like that not only centers the response of the person I’m engaging but it leaves no room for mistakes. Trying to go from 0-100 can lead to resentment and broken relationships. We’re human and often change takes time, give them and yourself grace by making sure your goal is simple and realistic.

To recap, before I engage in prickly conversations with the people I love, I check my intentions and make sure they align with my core values of creating onramps and inviting people INTO a space of learning. Next, I outline what happened and identify why it’s problematic making sure to tie the stereotype to a larger systemic issue. Lastly, I create a goal for the conversation and use that as my north star to guide the discussion.

If it seems like a lot of work, that’s because it is. I think that anything as important as addressing harmful behavior and rhetoric in our inner circles, is bound to be time consuming but what other choice do we have? Ignore it and hope someone else addresses it? Act like it never happened and continue in ignorance? I think not. I’ll work on holding my people accountable and inviting them into a space of growth and learning and I ask that you do the same with yours.

I hope that this post is helpful for you as you navigate tough conversations with the people that you love. I’m rooting for you!

Until next time,

XOXO - N

Generations Church; Year one.

I found Generations church on Facebook. It was less than a year after I had moved to Denver and I was looking for a church home. A place where I could find a community of strong believers, people that I didn't just want to see on the weekends but during the week as well. I wanted a church that had a sermon I could learn from, worship music I could groove too and young people that I could connect with. 

One day while I was at work, on my work Facebook account, an Ad for Generations Church popped up. It's important to note, that I never click on ads. EVER. I understand the importance of advertising and why it's so successful but I try my best not to get sucked in. Well, on this particular day I didn't even think twice and just clicked the ad. 

Skip ahead two weeks from the day that I clicked on the ad and It was the day of the Oscars (the day that Leo would win big) and I ended up meeting everyone for the first time. They had an 'Interest hangout' at a local coffee shop in Denver. There, Pastors Jody and Mandy talked about the heart of the church and why they moved to Denver to launch Generations. 

As they were wrapping up Jody talked about when Jesus called the disciples and how he didn't tell them to go home and pray and think about whether they wanted to follow him but rather just called them and they answered the call. It was in that moment, very clearly, that I felt the Lord leading me to join and to devote my time helping Generations Church to reach the city of Denver for Christ.

Fast forward a year and seven months and here I am. An active member of a group of believers. People who challenge my faith and ideals, are there for me during harsh and happy times, people who love my family and every friend that visits. The most inviting and warm group of people I've ever met. 

I'm so blessed to have this close knit group of people that I can laugh with, cry with, celebrate with and pray with. I'm grateful for the memories that we've made so far and looking forward to the impact that we'll make in this city and the ways that we'll grow in years to come. 

If you're in the Denver area and you're looking for a home church; a place where you can find hope and experience home than Generations may just be the place for you. My life has been enriched beyond belief and it was through joining this community that I learned how much you receive when you're willing to give it all for the kingdom. 

Thank you Mandy and Jody, Ginger and Gary and the entire team for making Generations so much more than just a Sunday church for me...thank you for making it feel like home. 

XOXO. 

Boy meets world.

This past weekend Patrick flew home with me and met my family for the first time. It was a weekend filled with laughter, ease, joy and so much peace. It ended with two exhausted twenty somethings on a cramped Frontier flight, headed back to good ole Denver, Colorado. 

As I sat there, two hours deep in a four hour plane ride, I was exhausted and pretty uncomfortable in that awful chair but yet so happy. Patrick, who struggled to sleep on the plane ride there, had his head rested in my lap and was out cold. I'm not sure if it was me letting him have the aisle seat or the nerves of the first trip behind him but on this side of the trip he seemed to fall asleep with ease.

I was extremely nervous for Patrick to come home with me, more nervous than I think is maybe normal. The months leading up to our trip I felt a strong sense of protection over my family and the short few days I'd have with them. I think it's safe to say that I have a healthy but very real air of jealousy in regards to my parents and my siblings and who is around when I get to spend time with them. 

I can't express fully how much I cherish the time I get to spend with my family. After high school I took a year off before college to work and that was the last year I spent at home. After my gap year I went away to college and traveled the world for a few years after graduation before ending up n Denver. So when I go home it's not just to relax or for vacation it's the short and rare window of quality, in person time, I have with them throughout the year. 

I feel kind of selfish admitting this but I think a large part of me was nervous to bring Patrick home because I didn't want him to take away from my time with my family. I didn't want to have to spend the entire weekend facilitating introductions and conversations and making sure he was having a good time instead of just having a good time myself. 

I often leave home feeling like the time flew by and I didn't get to fully soak in each moment with the people that I love. That fear, I hate to say, heavily outweighed my excitement for Patrick to finally meet everyone. Underneath the weirdness, there was still excitement but it never came without being quickly followed by the thought that one of my few trips home could potentially not go well. 

Of course, none of my fears came true. Patrick was wonderful with my family and having him there 100% added to my experience. Patrick is self sufficient, brave, personable and so easy to be around and all of those qualities shined brighter than ever this weekend. 

On the plane ride back to Denver I spent a lot of time pondering the idea of family. I thought about my parents and my siblings and the huge impact that they've had on my life and my happiness. I also thought a lot about Patrick and his family.

Patrick introduced me to his family within the first few weeks of our relationship and it's been such a joy to know them. His family is welcoming and kind and so loving and I cringe at the thought that if he was jealous of their affection and selfish with their time I'd have missed out on so much.

This weekend I was reminded of something simple that we all learned in preschool, "sharing is caring." Patrick shares his family, whom he values so very much, with me because he cares about me and being able to do the same thing for him this weekend was amazing. 

When you start to share the things and people who matter the most to you, I realized this weekend, you gain way more than you lose. I guess family is meant to be shared and before you know it the small knit group, you never imagined would change, is bigger and more special than ever. 

As Patrick and I left the plane and entered the terminal he grabbed my hand and familiarity and relief washed over me and all of a sudden he felt a lot less like an intruder and a lot more like family.