The Woke Black Girl and Her White Spouse.

The subtitle of this blog should probably be “Marrying interracial whilst discovering what it means to be black.”

Am I still woke? That’s one of the questions I asked myself on my wedding day. I was all dressed up in my vintage rose dress and instead of thinking about walking down the aisle I was looking in the mirror and asking questions.

Does this change anything?

Will I lose credibility?

Does this mean that I’ll need to work even harder in a battle that’s already so difficult?

I was asking questions that I had never really thought of before; questions that had come to the surface early on in our relationship but only seemed to matter now that we were entering in to marriage.

Does a black person with a white spouse lose some of their credibility in the fight for social justice?

Some say ‘No’ loud and proud but there’s a large group of people that say ‘YES.’ They say that black bodies can’t lie with and have relations with a white body one minute and then try to march with brown bodies the next. They say that if you were really for the cause, if you were really for your brown sisters and brothers you’d marry someone who looks like you.

They’re the people that I meet at Black Lives Matter rallies and social justice talks that are excited to meet me but then when Patrick comes back from the bathroom, they’re suddenly no longer interested in talking.

So it leaves me with the question, can someone be for the cause of the oppressed whilst being married to someone who identifies with the oppressors?

The answer that rings true for me is yes. I think that I can by fully pro-black and be deeply engaged in the fight for equity and equality with Patrick by my side. When I embarked on the dating journey my biggest non negotiable didn’t have to do with race but rather faith. I wanted someone that shared my faith, someone who was as devoted to Christ as I was. I believed then and believe more now than ever that you can’t love Christ and be devoted to him, while ignoring the systems around you that are actively oppressing people every day. To love Christ is to love his people and that’s why I feel that social justice is such a righteous cause to devote one’s time too, but I digress.

I understand where some of the people who present these questions and challenges are coming from. I’ve been around certain interracial couples and I’ve observed the one that falls on the side of greater privilege says things that greatly display the power imbalance and their privilege. They say things about how race doesn’t matter or there’s no such thing as racism in this country. They hold their brown partner’s hand and they express their joy over having had a black president and they loudly exclaim, “I mean look at us, obviously racism in this country is dead.”

I understand when People of Color say that they’ve been so burned and hurt by white people that they want nothing to do with them. I know the history, I hear the stories and I see and feel and experience the pain that brown and black people in this country endure on a regular basis.

Yet, here I am. Happily married to the man of my dreams and he’s not a man of color. He’s on the top of the totem pole, if you will, in regards to race and privilege in this country. He’s a white male with a Masters degree and no debt. He’s overcome barriers in his life but none of those barriers have had to do with the color of skin or his economic status or his image in society.

I remember a former colleague telling me that she could never date someone that was not a person of color. She continued saying that she needed to be with someone that could understand the struggles that she faces in society as a person of color and that she didn’t want to spend her whole relationship explaining her culture and identity to her partner.

It’s a sentiment that I greatly respect. You live a different experience than white people in this world as a person of color. Especially living in a city like Denver. I’m hyper aware of the fact that most of the spaces that I occupy daily are either completely void of people of color before I enter the room or there’s only 1 or 2. That’s a feeling that my husband rarely if ever encounters in our city. It’s also something that he doesn’t always notice but when he does, we can talk about it in a real and vulnerable way

I can’t think of a single topic that I can’t talk to Patrick about and race is something that we discuss often. Race, racism and prejudices in our society is something that he was ‘Woke’ to before I came in the picture. Patrick was reading books and having discussions with friends about this stuff before our relationship was a thing. Patrick and I can talk about this because I know that he is committed to the work.

I’m not saying these things to vouch for Patrick or to prove that despite the fact that he’s a white man that he’s still a great partner for me. I’m saying these things because I think that this is a very interesting and important conversation to be had. What I’m not doing is making a case for why I’m with someone who is as perfect for me as Patrick is. I love to talk about things like this. I think it’s really valuable to hear different points of views about topics that can hit close to home and may even be a bit sensitive for some people. I’m open to this conversation but with that, what I’m not open to is people questioning if I can have a real, vulnerable and authentic relationship with my husband because he’s white.

Something that Zeba Blay says in her article “On Being Black ‘Woke’ And Dating White People,” really resonates with me on this topic. Blay says “A White partner does not stand in the way of one’s ability to be passionate about black issues. A white partner does not change one’s lived experiences as a black person in the past, present or future. And no, a white partner doesn’t make you less conscious, less engaged with your own blackness.”

Patrick is not just my friend, boyfriend or even just my fiance, he’s my husband and we’re one. So my struggles are his struggles and my pains are his pains. What grieves my heart and causes me distress, also grieves and distresses him. Our lives are not separated by anything and as I’m doing the work for this cause so is he.

I can’t speak for all interracial couples. Like I mentioned before I’ve been around couples where one partner is painfully unaware and disengaged. Couples where the white partner perpetuates stereotypes and demeans the struggles and the pains of the other’s culture. I’m not trying to speak for them. I’m speaking for myself and couples that are interracial that may identify with me and Patrick.

I’m speaking for people who are not putting their white partner on a pedestal and basking in their whiteness. People who aren’t degrading and denouncing black voices and black bodies. People who support black art, black literature and black owned business. People who move through this world spreading this truth even if it means screaming it from the top of their lungs that BLACK LIVES MATTER. You can do the work, be fully invested in the fight for equity and equality, be 100% Pro Black and be in a relationship with someone who is white. I know this because it’s the life that I’ve chosen to live and it’s the truth that I fully embody.

It’s a conversation that is not black and white (no pun intended) but instead is wonderfully gray and filled with nuances. Am I still woke, despite my interracial marriage? I think so. You may not agree but I guess that’s what the comments section is for.

Until next time friends,

XOXO- N.

The One About Marriage Counseling.

Patrick and I have been married for almost 4 months now. It’s crazy to think that two years ago today we hadn’t even met yet but here we are married.

Marriage is quite the beast. It’s this beautiful, scary, powerful force that is so glamorized in the media but so often the truth of how intense it is isn’t shown. I feel like the shows I watch either portray flourishing and thriving marriages or it shows couples signing divorce papers. There’s not a lot about the in between. Today I want to open the door for a conversation about the everyday, the simple, the moments that aren’t necessarily Insta and FB worthy but are the foundation of the moments that are.

When Patrick proposed to me in April we immediately started talking about marriage counseling. We’re both from two parent homes and grew up seeing the fruits of a healthy and thriving marriage but we didn’t exactly know all the steps that got our parents there. I have a strong relationship with my parents now but when I was younger I didn’t ask a lot of questions. I wasn’t the type of kid that asked my parents how they met, or what their first date was like, I was mostly focused on myself and navigating what felt like the hell of adolescence.

So when we got engaged, we knew that counseling was a non-negotiable. We talked to our Pastors and they agreed to do our counseling and to connect us to the resources we needed. Before we started, both Patrick and I had to take an assessment. We were told not to discuss our answers with each other and it essentially evaluated our personalities as well as our love languages and argument styles. The assessment also looked at the ways that we’re different from each other and how those differences worked in our favor or could be areas of contention in our relationship.

After we got our results we went through the book, that matched the assessment, with our Pastors. The whole process was simple, at times predictable but undoubtedly helpful. To be completely forthright with you the first few weeks of our marriage were kind of miserable. We argued a lot and the meshing of lives was not as smooth as we both would have hoped but I KNOW that it would have been a lot worse if we wouldn’t have gone to counseling. Counseling helped us to understand that the differences that we see in each other are not things that we need to aim to change but rather things that we need to celebrate.

One of the focuses of our counseling that really impacted me and the way that I continue to navigate in our relationship was the piece on love languages. Patrick and I talked about our love languages for the first time on our second date and it feels like we’ve talked about them a bunch since. I thought that I knew what Patrick needed to feel loved but I hadn’t fully grasped how important it was for Patrick to receive verbal affirmation. I think that one of my greatest flaws is that I’m not always verbal with the people closest to me about how much I love them. I try to show it in the way that I treat them and the thoughtful things that I do for them but it can be difficult for me to verbalize it. I learned in counseling that it’s important to Patrick that love is not only shown but verbalized.

So now I have a reminder on my phone to tell Patrick that I love and appreciate him every single day. Not just when I’m saying goodnight or when we’re heading out the door for work but in the moments where he’s not expecting it. I don’t always get it right, sometimes I don’t have my phone and at times I’m being a brat and I don’t say anything but when I see it and I follow the prompt I can tell that it means the world to him. Counseling put us in a space where we had encouraged vulnerability which made it easier for Patrick to open up and express how much he values and needs that affirmation.

I also learned a lot about myself in counseling. I realized how stubborn I can be and how much I enjoy being in control. We talked about my need to feel safe and how detailed talks about money and creating a plan for the future helps to create that sense of security for me. When we were deciding on where we wanted to live after we got married, I just wanted to pick the first place that we found that was nice and within our budget. At the time I couldn’t verbalize why but post counseling I can identify the reason and it was because the unknown in regards to where we would live made me feel unsafe. Now Patrick knows that and in times where the unknown is unpreventable he does whatever he can to make me feel safe and secure in our situation.

Marriage counseling, paired with a relationship with Christ, gave us legs to stand on in our marriage. Marriage is a ton of fun and it’s also very hard and I’ve found that my life experiences didn’t give me the tools and resources I needed to be able to handle everything. Marriage counseling isn’t perfect but it definitely gave us some of the tools that we need and will continue to need to be able to navigate this journey.

When I think about my marriage I know that the goal is not for us to have a life free of arguments or disagreements. Rather the goal is to make sure we always come out of every trial and tribulation together and stronger than we were before. That’s why Patrick and I are committed to having at least one session with a counselor every year. So that we can continue to invest in our marriage and each other, not just when things are bad or on the rocks but rather all the time.

Until next time friends!

Xoxo,

Nicole

My Year of Intention.

My word for 2018 is intentional. For the third year in a row I've given my year a theme and for the first time that theme is comprised of a single word. Intention. I want to have a year filled with intentional living and speaking, a year that doesn't just unfold by accident or happen by chance. In order to make that a more tangible goal, I wrote out 4 areas of my life that I want to focus on this year. Places where I've grown a bit complacent, gotten too comfortable and began to go through the motions. 

These intentions live on my bedroom door and every morning when I get out of bed and go to start my day, it's the first thing that I see. It's kind of the mission statement for my year, so when I'm about to make a decision or a life change I first see if that decision aligns with these intentions. If it does then I move forward and if it doesn't then I sit down and really think about how it fits into the plan that I believe God has inspired me to set for my year. So without any further explanation, here they are, my intentions; 

2018 : Personal Intentions

"It is not enough to seek truth, justice, honesty and goodness for our own sake. We have to do so in loyal obedience to Him who is the source and spring of all goodness, justice and truth and on whom we feel absolutely dependent." - The Cost of Discipleship 

1. Invite Jesus into my year. Allow him to interrupt my regularly scheduled programming. Allow him to be the determining factor and the thing that is always on my calendar, never canceled, never crossed off. Allow Jesus to come into my year. 

2. Take control of my finances. Create a food and spending budget and stick to it. Be mindful of how much is left over every month and if it exceeds a certain amount put an additional amount in to savings. 

3. Be intentional about everything you do. Friendships, work, church, writing in your journal, working out, eating. Give things your attention and focus and be intentional about everything that you do. 

4. Patrick. Love him better this year. Speak kinder, write him more notes, give him space when he needs it. Pray for him, give him grace, serve him, do nice things for him, cook for him. Love him better. 

Having the quote and those four things on my door and seeing them every morning and having them in the forefront of my mind when I start my day has been so beneficial for me. As I talked about in my post last week, starting my day with Jesus has given me so much peace in every aspect of my life. The Lord has shown me the importance of starting my day in prayer and worship and bible time. Setting aside 30 minutes every morning has not only taught me discipline but has helped me to develop a routine for my morning that truly helps me to start each day on the right foot. 

In regards to my finances, I've always made wise decisions but in regards to debt I was so passive about paying things off. I would make payments on time but I wouldn't go above and beyond, even though I had the means to pay things off quicker. Now I'm being diligent about keeping a tight budget and using my money wisely and paying off debt, saving money and being more frugal. Now I don't just spend money on impulse but rather if I'm buying something it's because it's a planned purchase that I've budgeted for and won't regret. Already this year I'm leaps and bounds closer to financial freedom because of a few small changes and it's an amazing feeling. 

When in comes to all around intentional living, I can so easily just flow with the river. When it comes to my friends, myself and the things that I spend my time on I often just go through the motions. I don't want to be like that anymore. This year I'm committed to reaching out to friends that I want to spend time with. I'm committed to planning out my workouts and giving my health 100% of my energy and focus. I'm determined to not just eat whatever is in front of me (even though that sounds great) instead I'm going to give my body the fuel it needs to thrive. I want to think about what I'm doing. I want to be present in every moment and I don't just want to go where I'm invited I want to go where I'm lead. I want to live a life that truly means something and I think that starts by putting more thought in to the ways that I spend my time. 

Finally, last year I got really comfortable and used to how amazing Patrick is. I think that it's safe to say that I even started to take him for granted a bit. I do not want Patrick to ever feel like I don't appreciate how patient and kind he is, how he prays for me and goes out of his way to make me happy and take care of me. I'm making it a point to be intentional when interacting with him. I want to aim to always speak kinder than I feel. I want to ask him what makes him happy and what makes him feel loved and I want to do my best to do those things for him. Patrick loves me so well and I want to do the same for him. 

So there you have it, here are my intentions and I hope that they encourage and inspire you to set a direction and an intention for your year as well. I pray that this year brings you more purpose, joy and freedom than all the years before it. 

Until next time friends, 

XOXO -Nico 

The Holy Hiatus.

Holy hiatus. Friends, I didn't mean to take a two month blog break but it kind of just organically happened and it was awesome. I feel rejuvenated and excited. I'm pumped about where I see my blog going this year and we'll talk about that more next week but first...where was I? What was I doing? Why did I need a break? Let's dive headfirst in to all of that. 

2018 started off pretty rocky for me. Typically, I really enjoy the beginning of a new year and a new season. New Years Eve is one of my favorite days of the year because I feel like it's the culmination of 12 months of hard work. You get to end the year with all of your favorite people and you get to count down the closing of one chapter and the start of a new one. I was so ready for 2017 to end and usually, for me at least, when you're anxiously anticipating the end of something it's because you're hoping the end will lead to a great escape. 

I wanted to escape from the drama that I felt engulfed my life in 2017. I convinced myself that when that shiny New Years Eve ball dropped all of the concerns and pains of 2017 would drop with it. I was wrong. Time heals all wounds, sure, but time does not solve all puzzles and unpack all of our untouched baggage. I walked into 2018 with a semi truck full of stuff that I thought would just disappear.

So where have I been? I've been trying to deal with all of that crap. My word for 2018 has been intention and I realized that I could not be intentional with my faith and relationships and myself until I took a step back and sifted through the mess that was clouding my vision. 

 So here's a quick glimpse at some of the things that were hardcore inhibiting my existence;

1. Social Media - I love social media, I really do. I think it's awesome the way that Instagram and Facebook and even Pinterest, has evolved and grown throughout the years. From the perspective of a blogger and a creative, Social media is a great way to market your brand and to learn from others, for free! The downside of social media and the thing that has plagued my heart is the way that it makes everyone seem like they're having the best day ever, every single day. Like everyone is happy and invited to every party and getting married and having babies, except for you and by you I mean, me. 

I know that social media is where we post our highlight reel, the best parts; it's not where people post their day to day mundane tasks and the trials they walk through. Social media, especially Instagram stopped being fun for me and instead just made me sad and feel bad about myself. So I took a breather, dug up all the weeds and now I'm watering what I think could be a pretty healthy investment the best way that I know how. I'm on social media a lot less these days and when I do find myself there I am constantly doing an inventory of how I'm feeling and as soon as my mood starts to head south, I log off. 

2. Friendships - 2017 was without question my most difficult year in regards to friendships. I know a lot of people in Denver and when I moved here I had this sense that I'd be hanging out with people all the time and that just wasn't the case. I think the real issue was that my expectations were largely unrealistic. I imagined my Denver experience looking a lot like the friendships that I had in college, a place where my friends lived in the same dorm as me and we had the same hobbies and I saw them all the time. After college I went straight to Up with People where you get to spend every single day with your friends, traveling and performing and living this dream life. The real world is not like college and it is definitely not like traveling with Up with People. 

Life, my life at least, has full time jobs and healthy sleep schedules and healthy boundaries. Life requires taking initiative and reaching out when you want to see people because you're not just going to run into them in the halls anymore. 2017 reminded me that friendships, just like romantic relationships, take work and are meant to grow and develop throughout the years. I'm relearning how to put hard work in to my friendships and what it means to put yourself out there. This year I'm sending less texts and making more phone calls, going to less parties and having more one-on-one coffee dates. I'm focusing my energy into loving my friends and loving them well. 

3. Religion - Life with Jesus is not about religion. Jesus wants a living, breathing, real life with me. Jesus didn't come for rituals and routines, he didn't come to develop a religion and a set of strict norms, he came for me. Jesus came for my life and he came for my heart. Last year I got caught up in church and being on the worship team and appearances and systems, so much so that I think I began to get lost in a from of godliness and got farther and farther away from God. My life depends on Christ. I can't live, I can't think, I can't function well without the Lord.

I did a lot of striving for his love and his attention last year. I thought that maybe if I got better at that or stopped doing this, then I'd feel him near to me all the time. That when I just got here or got there, that I'd be sure of his love for me and that I'd make him proud. I couldn't have been farther from the truth. There's absolutely nothing that I can do to make God love me more than he does right now. It's a truth that I have to remind myself of constantly but in the moments where I just get it, where it all just clicks, an all encompassing freedom overwhelms me and it's the most beautiful sensation I've ever felt. 

So here I am. Back on the writing grind and hopefully more vulnerable and transparent than ever. I am so eager to share my life with you and to hear about yours. I'm excited about what God is doing in my heart. I'm so glad that you're here and I hope that you come back again next week. Until later friends. 

XOXO 

- Nico 

My burning ring finger.

First comes love, then comes marriage....right? 

Or at least that's what I've been told. You meet someone that you like, then eventually they become someone you love, then it evolves into someone you can't live without and BOOM you get married. 

That's how the story has been told and retold to me. Patrick and I have been together for just shy of ten months and I've lost track of how many times I've been asked "Soooo, when are you two getting engaged?"

That sentence and others like it, after awhile, have become a fire that burned its way into my heart and set up a shop of resentment and jealousy inside of me. 

Patience, lately, has not been my strongest virtue. I took hold of the lie that the only next step for us was for us to get engaged and anything that didn't quench that desire wasn't good enough. Irritable is a word that could have floated over my head non-stop. I was irritated, irritated by any conversation and any date that didn't end with me getting one step closer to having a husband. 

The truth though, is that marriage is not the next step for Patrick and me. 

The next step is for us to grow deeper in our trust and our communication. The next step is for us to celebrate our birthday's and enjoy our first Fall season together. The next step is for us to spend the Holiday's with each other's family and learn more about family dynamic and how to exist as a unit bound to so many other units. 

The next step is for me to not be so connected to the way that I think a relationship is supposed to play out and open my eyes to the beauty of how my relationship is evolving.

So yes, we are going to get married. Yes, we are going to have a beautiful wedding and start a life together and have a ton of kids. Yes, it's something that we talk about but no, it's definitely not happening today and it won't happen tomorrow. 

Marriage is in our future and is one of the goals of our relationship but it's not our only goal.

Let patience be the virtue that we all cling to in this season. Today, the burning in my ring finger has begun to cease as I realize that the title of 'Girlfriend' is not a scarlet letter and after only ten months, in my first ever relationship, is exactly where I want to be. So please let me enjoy time with my boyfriend in this beautiful season that we're in and when we get engaged, believe me, you'll be the first to know. 

"When we are so eager for the next season, we believe the lie that the next season will bring some added level of completeness or perfection. But with God, we're never incomplete and never lacking in His holy perfection. We are only stretched to grow. And we can flourish in the waiting." - Jordan Dooley. 

Xoxo. 

Patrick; the anchor.

It was a Thursday night and for the second week in a row I sat enveloped in tears. Life was heavy again and just like clock work it fell on the same day that it had the week before. My eyes stayed fixed on the patterned tile as tear, after tear, maneuvered it's way down my tired face. 

Patrick, hand on my knee, sat with me in silence as the air in the room seemingly became thinner and thinner. I couldn't find the words to continue to speak or to further explain my emotions, so we just sat there; In the quiet of a studio apartment I tried to remember where sadness ends and joy begins. 

Patrick, I've found, is solid. He's not easily moved or undone by the cares and the weight of life. He moves through this, often dark world, like an anchor tied firmly to a ship. He doesn't run from the storms that tend to sweep in and disrupt life but in the midst of them he's firm and consistent...he's not going anywhere. 

When a dating app brought us together, I had no idea how drastically my life would be enriched. Throughout our short time together Patrick has laughed with me, cried with me, traveled with me and encouraged me. I often wonder if I add half as much to his life as he adds to mine and I am completely undone with how well this guy loves me. 

Movies and quotes tell us to wait for a love that sets your soul on fire but I say wait for a love that holds you steady while the world around you feels like it's crumbling. Wait for a love that prays for you when you can't find the words to pray for yourself and whispers truth into your ear when all you can feel is pain. 

Patrick models Christ in everything that he does especially, lucky me, the way that he loves. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, God forbid Patrick and I ever have to part ways but if we do I'll still be a better woman and a better human because of him. I'll walk a little taller, speak with a bit more conviction and live a life that aims to love people with a firm, reliable and unwavering love. 

When the tears finally stopped falling, we sat for 20 minutes and didn't speak. I closed my eyes and soaked up the silence. As my eyes crept open I expected to see a man that was uncomfortable with the raw emotions of the moment but instead I was met by the look of love. As he poured more tea into my cup, our eyes locked and the pain that roared around me began to cease and within a moment, I was anchored. 

Single women, society and social media.

Last week, on December 16th I got the most likes I've ever gotten on a post, 407  to be exact. I changed my status from single to in a relationship and it seemed like everyone I know took notice.

Social media and I have quite the strange relationship. It's one of my favorite things because of the way that it gives me access to my friends and family that are scattered all over the globe as well as to ideas and concepts from people that I may never meet.

I love posting pictures on Instagram and posting blog updates and life updates on Facebook and reading the updates of my friends and family. It's cool to be able to update a bunch of people at once about what's going on, especially when you don't have time to call or text all of them individually. What I don't love is the way that it can be used as an avenue for hate and discord and how it has the ability to give us a false sense of community and connection.

This week I found myself waist deep in some feelings that I didn't really expect to have. This year I've been so excited to post about different things that are going on in my life. In March I got a new job with Goodwill and I've been loving every minute of it. I moved into an adorable little carriage house in a suburb of Denver and started adulting hardcore. I helped plant a church in Denver in September and it's been one of the most enriching and out of my comfort zone experiences of my life so far.

None of that got anywhere close to the attention or likes that Patrick and I's relationship update got and that kind of made me feel a little weird.

I've talked to a few people about this, my dad, Patrick and a few of my coworkers and it's so interesting the value that is put on a female getting into a relationship, getting married or having children. When so many people commented on my relationship status, I was excited but it also made me feel like none of my other accomplishments compared to this one.

Am I reading too much into this? Or is there a real issue with society and the way that we view and value the accomplishments of single women?

I loved being single. I was happy, fulfilled, content and so driven. I didn't start living when I got into a relationship, it has definitely added to my happiness and I hope that it will for years to come but it didn't create it.

I'm not annoyed that so many people reached out when I started dating Patrick, believe me I totally get it, but it did force me to reflect on a few things.

As I write this, I realize that I'm guilty of everything that I'm blogging about. I've called and congratulated friends about engagements and baby announcements and sometimes have only liked or even over looked posts about graduations, or new jobs or life ventures. I haven't always been the feminist and supportive friend that I've hoped to see in the world and for that I feel bad.

So I'm sorry if you're a female and my friend and I haven't congratulated you on all of the milestones that you've reached in life. If I didn't reach out after you bought your own house, finished graduate school, paid off your student loans or did something that was truly amazing I apologize.

You're more than your relationship status, that's apart of your story but it's not your ENTIRE story.

So yes, I am in a relationship. I'm beyond excited about Patrick and the potential that I see in what we have. I'm more than open to talk and share about the relationship and I'm also really excited to talk about everything else going on in my life.

This post isn't meant to condemn anyone. If you reached out to me recently about what's going on in my life, please know that I appreciate you. What this is meant to do is to just be a space where I can be open and authentic about what I'm feeling and how recently in the midst of a really happy moment I found myself feeling strange.

So there you go, those are my thoughts for this week. They're not so pretty this time, a little rough around the edges but they're real and I hope that's good enough.

Until next time! Xoxo.

Lessons and lessons and lessons.

Things I've learned in the last month...

1. Vulnerability is key to starting, building and sustaining healthy relationships.

I struggle with being vulnerable. It's so easy to write out my feelings and thoughts on my blog and then kind of walk away from it. People read it and they might even comment but we're not having a face to face conversation so it's easy to be removed from the things that I'm saying and what they're learning about me. Brene Brown, a researcher and a story teller, has a fantastic Ted talk about vulnerability and I highly recommend it. I watched it and it put words to what was going on in my heart, learning to be vulnerable is freaking difficult but it's key in building healthy relationships and that's what I want.

2. When you learn you change and if you haven't changed than you haven't learned.

I've kissed a lot of frogs in my life and despite my desire to find better it wasn't until recently that I learned that you'll never find a prince in a swamp. I had a conversation with one of my dear friends the other day and we talked about women and our standards. I know so many people who settle for less than they deserve in relationships and romantic encounters and I was definitely one of those people, until I wasn't. I learned that lust is very different than love, if they'll lie for you they'll lie to you, a kiss is not a commitment and if they want to play games, hand them a controller not your heart. This is especially for my beautiful, talented, intelligent and queen lady friends: if they're not calling you, not wanting to spend time with you, not introducing you to their friends, not taking you on REAL dates, not praying for you, than they're not worth your time. When you know better you do better, it's time to do better.

3. Even the smallest acts of courage can be inspirational.

The other day I had someone tell me that they thought I was brave and when I asked why they mentioned a series of small moments that I didn't think anyone noticed. Moments where I stepped out of my comfort zone to participate in an event or accomplish a small goal and unbeknownst to me someone was watching and they were inspired. So I guess this lesson was two fold in the way that it showed me that people can be inspired by the little things and also it reminded me that everything counts. You have no idea how your today can affect someones tomorrow, so give it your all kid!

I could go on and on but I think three lessons is enough for today. This month has really impacted me and it's not for any reason in particular but rather it's all the small moments and encounters, all of the encouragement to do and to be better, all of the thoughtful choices that led to a month of so much growth. Life is fun, so much fun, but a year ago I made the decision to be more than just happy, but to be intentional about my journey and it's made all the difference.

Until next time friends. XO