I didn't sign up for this...

If I was outside of the staff bathroom, I’d grab all of the students closest to me and hide there. The bathroom door can’t be opened without a key so that would be a safe place to hide.

If I was in the hallway on the North side of the building I’d either duck in to the auditorium or run out the Admin parking lot door.

If I was in the middle of the hallway on the North side I’d have to hide with one of the other teachers in their classroom but If there doors were already shut and they couldn’t let me in, I’d just have to run.

(Thoughts of a school staff member, the day after a school shooting.)

I never planned to go in to education. I studied Communications in college and wanted to be a journalist. But of course, life worked the way that it often does and opportunity after opportunity found it’s way to me until I ended up here, in education. It’s a career and a field that I’m extremely passionate about, one that allows me to have an impact on the next generation but not one that I ever imagined I’d have to risk my life for.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I spent most of the morning trying not to cry. My eyes continuously filled with tears at the oddest moments and it took every ounce of my composure to not lose it. Walking in to a school building 24 hours after a student, in your city, died in one is a feeling that I’ll never forget. I spent the work day trying to focus on the tasks at hand and not the storm of grief that roared in my chest. I was angry…actually I was livid but more than that I was distraught thinking about the teachers that lost a student, the parents that lost their child and Kendrick Castillo…the young man that lost his life.

Last night we attended a church service that was scheduled in response to the shooting at STEM. Within minutes of getting there all of the tears that I had been holding in all day began to stream down my face. The storm that I’d so carefully held in began to pour out of me and I just sat there and sobbed. The pastor began to speak and the first thing he did was affirm us and our pain. He encouraged us to lament for what had happened and for the life that had been lost and told us that he planned to do the same.

He told us that it was important to not push our feelings of fear and anxiety and pain away because that’s not healthy. Rather he invited us to feel it all, everything that was raging inside of us in that moment and to invite God in to it. To give God room to sit with us in the midst of our sadness and to lay his hand on our pain.

As I sat there overcome with grief I felt so free. Free to feel without trying to turn a tragedy into a testimony. Free to grieve without needing to explain that of course I still believe that God is good and sovereign. It was beautiful. After about 30 minutes of worship and time to grieve and pray, the pastor came back up and led us in a new direction.

He spoke about the truth of Christ and his resurrection. That even in times where it feels like death has one, times where we can feel it’s sting we must still remember that Jesus defeated the grave and died so that we might have life. He invited us in that moment to pray to God and ask him for hope. Hope in the face of darkness, hope in the midst of pain, hope that there will be an end to this and that these stories won’t continue.

At times, I feel so overcome with sadness thinking about school shootings and the students and staff that lose their lives in them. I’m sad over the moments where I consider a change of career…one that’s less dangerous, one where I don’t run the risk of seeing my students or colleagues murdered. I grieve over those thoughts and the reality of this week.

I don’t have any encouraging words to say or a bright bow to put on the crappy box that is this reality but I can say without a doubt that today my hope is found in Christ and Christ alone. I pray that God fills us with hope that the darkness won’t last forever.

I pray that God gives us wisdom and courage to make decisions, legislation and the changes that need to be made in order to keep our kids and our educators safe. I pray that no more students are killed in buildings when all they want is to learn. Jesus give us hope again.

“How long ‘til your children find your rest?

How long ‘til you draw them to your breast

We go on holding to your promises- how long?

‘Til you wipe away the tears from every eye

‘Til we see our home descending from the sky

Do we wait in vain?

Jesus, give us hope again? “

The Proposal!

Where do I start? Sunday was one of the best days of my life because my best friend and partner in laughter and joy asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. It was the sweetest proposal, so simple and lovely. I can't even believe it's real and that I have this beautiful ring and this amazing man and that I'm a few months away from getting a whole new set of amazing humans added to my family! I'M SO EXCITED!! 

Patrick and I met on November 21st, 2016, became a couple on December 5th and by New Years Eve of that year I had a feeling that we were going to end up going the long haul. I remember being at a party with a group of my friends, Patrick was in Fort Collins with his family and telling them that I was going to marry this guy. Half of the room ignored me, a few of them laughed but two people tuned in and their opinions were on opposite sides of the spectrum. My friend Isaiah looked at me and said "I know you will. I think you really will marry Patrick," and then continued drinking his whiskey.

While another friend looked at me and said "You can't be serious, right? You sound crazy. I mean, you just met this guy! Sorry to be the one to tell you but that's not going to happen." I remember feeling so embarrassed and looking at the ground and Isaiah tapped me on the shoulder and whispered in my ear, "she's wrong." 

Growing up my siblings and I attended a home school group at Cheltenham Church in Maryland. We would go there every Wednesday and when I didn't have a class I'd go outside with my friends and play in the cemetery that surrounded the church. We would play out there week, after week, after week and eventually I developed a deep fondness for Cemetery's. One that led me to seeking out graveyards in every new city I visited and eventually deciding that it would be a dream come true to one day be proposed in one. 

When I visit a cemetery I don't think about death or ghosts or anything scary. Rather, I think about the joy of being a kid and being surrounded by the people who love you the most. When I visit a graveyard I reminisce on my childhood and how the fun seemed endless. Now when I think of a cemetery I'll think about April 29th, the day that Patrick asked me to be his wife. 

Everyone keeps asking me if I was surprised and the truth is, not really. Patrick is HORRIBLE at keeping secrets and as soon as he bought the ring he told me and leading up to the day he was dropping hints like a mad man so I knew that the proposal was going to happen. I'm not disappointed at all that it wasn't a surprise. The fact that I knew it was going to happen took the pressure off of both of us and instead of me always wondering when we were getting engaged I could just be excited about HOW he was going to do it instead of WHEN. 

On Saturday afternoon Patrick told me that we needed to leave right after church on Sunday and that I'd have time to go home and change but I needed to be ready by noon. So after church I rush home, take a quick power nap (Lord knows I can't function without a nap) picked out my clothes and was ready just in time to be picked up. Patrick picks me up and he can barely keep it together. His eyes are all watery and he keeps saying how excited he is and that we're about to have our biggest adventure yet.

 At this point I'm beside myself with excitement. I'm dressed super cute and Patrick has on a T-shirt, so I'm like ughhh okay, what's happening here? He just laughs and tell me to be patient. We get in the car and before I know it we're pulling up to Patrick's parents house in Fort Collins. We get out and go inside and it seems just like a normal visit, we all sit down on the couch and start talking and hanging out. 

After about 30 minutes Patrick says he has to run an errand and leaves. 45 minutes later he comes back and he's now dressed really nice and he's telling me to grab my things because we're leaving. I jump up, because by now I'm SOOO anxious to see how he's going to do it and I hustle to the car. We get in and go for a little drive and he takes me to this area where we're surrounded by rolling hills and he pulls off to the side of the road and says that we're getting out. 

We get out of the car and there's a fence next to us but I can't really see much, all I see is the fence and the hills. He takes my hand and walks me over to a gate where I see the sign 'Bingham Hill Cemetery.' The sign is white and really old and it's attached to this beautiful thin gate that zig zags and we have to enter one by one because it's so small.

He tells me that we're going to be walking somewhere and on our way there are going to be a few things that I have to find. As he's talking I'm trying so hard not to cry because I'm so happy and excited and Patrick looks so handsome and everything is so beautiful, I'm just overwhelmed. We walk down this path and over a small bridge and there's a creek next to us and we have to duck under a tree branch and walk over weeds and with every step more of the landscape is revealed and it's gorgeous. 

Within like 30 seconds of walking up the hill I see a pair of legs hiding behind this information wall and it's my dear friend Shallyn (the taker of beautiful pictures) and we all start laughing and she tells me to pretend like she's not there.

 Patrick takes me to a spot where I find flowers with a note wrapped around them. Since we first started dating Patrick has been writing me notes. These notes range from being super silly and random to being amazingly thoughtful and sweet. I've kept every note that Patrick has ever written me. So I find the note and it's beautiful, just like everything else about this moment and we keep walking and I find two more flowers with notes wrapped around them. 

Once I've read the last note, Patrick decided that this is a great moment for him to make one of his lame jokes and he says "well that's everything, I guess we can leave now."  But since you know the ending, you know that wasn't everything. So then he reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a red box and gets down on one knee and asks me to marry him. 

The whole thing was so sweet and so US. I couldn't have asked for a better moment with a better man and I'm so unbelievably happy and also overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed by all of the kinds words and messages that people have sent us this week. Overwhelmed by the excitement of all of our family and friends as we embark on the huge task of planning a Pennsylvania wedding from Colorado. More than anything I'm overwhelmed by God's tremendous grace towards us and the fact that he brought us together not through church or friends but through a dating app. 

God is faithful and I feel so blessed to be on this journey of faith with such an amazing man by my side. Patrick, I love you so much. Thank you for planning such a special day filled with laughter and tears and so much simplicity. You're not the man of my dreams cause never in a million years could I have dreamed of finding someone as selfless, loving and gentle as you. You're the man that has surpassed all of my expectations and I can't wait to be your wife. 

Xoxo,

Nico 

The Holy Hiatus.

Holy hiatus. Friends, I didn't mean to take a two month blog break but it kind of just organically happened and it was awesome. I feel rejuvenated and excited. I'm pumped about where I see my blog going this year and we'll talk about that more next week but first...where was I? What was I doing? Why did I need a break? Let's dive headfirst in to all of that. 

2018 started off pretty rocky for me. Typically, I really enjoy the beginning of a new year and a new season. New Years Eve is one of my favorite days of the year because I feel like it's the culmination of 12 months of hard work. You get to end the year with all of your favorite people and you get to count down the closing of one chapter and the start of a new one. I was so ready for 2017 to end and usually, for me at least, when you're anxiously anticipating the end of something it's because you're hoping the end will lead to a great escape. 

I wanted to escape from the drama that I felt engulfed my life in 2017. I convinced myself that when that shiny New Years Eve ball dropped all of the concerns and pains of 2017 would drop with it. I was wrong. Time heals all wounds, sure, but time does not solve all puzzles and unpack all of our untouched baggage. I walked into 2018 with a semi truck full of stuff that I thought would just disappear.

So where have I been? I've been trying to deal with all of that crap. My word for 2018 has been intention and I realized that I could not be intentional with my faith and relationships and myself until I took a step back and sifted through the mess that was clouding my vision. 

 So here's a quick glimpse at some of the things that were hardcore inhibiting my existence;

1. Social Media - I love social media, I really do. I think it's awesome the way that Instagram and Facebook and even Pinterest, has evolved and grown throughout the years. From the perspective of a blogger and a creative, Social media is a great way to market your brand and to learn from others, for free! The downside of social media and the thing that has plagued my heart is the way that it makes everyone seem like they're having the best day ever, every single day. Like everyone is happy and invited to every party and getting married and having babies, except for you and by you I mean, me. 

I know that social media is where we post our highlight reel, the best parts; it's not where people post their day to day mundane tasks and the trials they walk through. Social media, especially Instagram stopped being fun for me and instead just made me sad and feel bad about myself. So I took a breather, dug up all the weeds and now I'm watering what I think could be a pretty healthy investment the best way that I know how. I'm on social media a lot less these days and when I do find myself there I am constantly doing an inventory of how I'm feeling and as soon as my mood starts to head south, I log off. 

2. Friendships - 2017 was without question my most difficult year in regards to friendships. I know a lot of people in Denver and when I moved here I had this sense that I'd be hanging out with people all the time and that just wasn't the case. I think the real issue was that my expectations were largely unrealistic. I imagined my Denver experience looking a lot like the friendships that I had in college, a place where my friends lived in the same dorm as me and we had the same hobbies and I saw them all the time. After college I went straight to Up with People where you get to spend every single day with your friends, traveling and performing and living this dream life. The real world is not like college and it is definitely not like traveling with Up with People. 

Life, my life at least, has full time jobs and healthy sleep schedules and healthy boundaries. Life requires taking initiative and reaching out when you want to see people because you're not just going to run into them in the halls anymore. 2017 reminded me that friendships, just like romantic relationships, take work and are meant to grow and develop throughout the years. I'm relearning how to put hard work in to my friendships and what it means to put yourself out there. This year I'm sending less texts and making more phone calls, going to less parties and having more one-on-one coffee dates. I'm focusing my energy into loving my friends and loving them well. 

3. Religion - Life with Jesus is not about religion. Jesus wants a living, breathing, real life with me. Jesus didn't come for rituals and routines, he didn't come to develop a religion and a set of strict norms, he came for me. Jesus came for my life and he came for my heart. Last year I got caught up in church and being on the worship team and appearances and systems, so much so that I think I began to get lost in a from of godliness and got farther and farther away from God. My life depends on Christ. I can't live, I can't think, I can't function well without the Lord.

I did a lot of striving for his love and his attention last year. I thought that maybe if I got better at that or stopped doing this, then I'd feel him near to me all the time. That when I just got here or got there, that I'd be sure of his love for me and that I'd make him proud. I couldn't have been farther from the truth. There's absolutely nothing that I can do to make God love me more than he does right now. It's a truth that I have to remind myself of constantly but in the moments where I just get it, where it all just clicks, an all encompassing freedom overwhelms me and it's the most beautiful sensation I've ever felt. 

So here I am. Back on the writing grind and hopefully more vulnerable and transparent than ever. I am so eager to share my life with you and to hear about yours. I'm excited about what God is doing in my heart. I'm so glad that you're here and I hope that you come back again next week. Until later friends. 

XOXO 

- Nico