A love like mine.

" I will never hide, diminish or suppress my love for you." 

Love is such an interesting beast. It swoops you up, invites you on a wild ride and leaves you feeling upside down, inside out and soaked to the core in joy. Love can make you feel like your experience is one in a million. Like you're the only one, in the whole world, who has ever felt this way about anyone. 

I used to think that way. When I would look across a room and see Patrick and my heart would start to beat faster and my cheeks feel warm, I thought; "no one has ever loved anyone the way that I love him." 

Have you ever had a feeling like that come over you? You look at your significant other and you're flooded with love, a love that seems like it was created just for you. Love that has you convinced that no one, in the entire galaxy, has ever felt anything quite like what you're feeling. 

Love, everything that encompasses the word, is so special in the way that it makes us all feel like what we have is unique. Which, in a sense isn't wrong. We are all handcrafted individuals with distinct skill sets and personality traits and to love another requires us to adapt and modify in a way that only we can. All of that I understand and think is really beautiful. 

What's even more beautiful is that your love is not unique and neither is mine. Love is definable. Love is measurable. Your love isn't unheard of. It is special, because it's yours and it's mine but it's not singular.

The realization that people all around the world, are overcome with feelings very similar to mine gives me so much hope for the future. 

Love changes the world. Your love. My love. God's love. Love casts out all fear, is patient, is kind, is long suffering, doesn't envy or boast. Love trusts, cares more for others than self, is level headed and it never fails. Love never fails. 

I do not want to be the only person capable of that and I shudder at the thought that my capacity for love is the ceiling. I fall short in my love for Patrick, often. I rejoice in the truth that there are people whose love for their partner surpasses mine. That in their world they are a beacon for selflessness and kindness and patience and fearlessness. That my current ceiling is their floor and their ceiling the floor for someone else. 

Thank God for Jesus. A man whose love for us is so massive, all encompassing and full...a love that came to fruition in death.  A love that trumps all hate, breaks down walls, warms hearts and heals wounds. A love that has no ceiling and knows no end. 

I'm not sure if my heart is incapable of loving anything the way that Jesus loves us, you and me. My heart is brave yet forgetful, loving and easily distracted, passionate and at times distant. A love like mine and maybe this is true of a love like yours as well, is learning as it goes and is doing it's best to get it right the first time. 

So I'll  love with everything I have and quote cute lines about the strength of a love like mine and be encouraged, humbled and inspired by the loves that far surpass my own. 

"God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." - John 3:16

Anger and joy.

You guys, lately I've been doing a bit of swearing in my head. Maybe as a Christian I shouldn't say that I swear in my mind but in the words of the Stranger Things gang 'Friends don't lie," so there's that. Out loud I say things like "F word" or "Darn it" but in my head, I'm cussing like a sailor and rolling my eyes so hard that they're one frustrating moment away from rolling right out of my face.

Sometimes I just feel like a pot, two seconds away from boiling over. On the outside I'm cool, calm and collected but on the inside I'm bouncing around like a ball in a pinball machine. I took an inventory of those feelings recently; I looked at how frequently they occur and what typically precedes them and what I discovered is something pretty interesting. 

I found out that I'm filled with anger. Real, tangible anger. Anger that fills my mind and though I don't let it flood out, because I'm trying to watch what I say, is roaring inside of me like a monster in a cage.

I feel it every single day. Anger towards people, towards systems, towards mistakes, friends, pain and so many other things. An anger that just boils and boils, never losing steam. I thought it was just simple annoyance or frustration but now I realize that instead it's complex rage. 

And am I wrong for constantly feeling a little upset? I mean, there are so many things in this world to be angry about. A shallow culture that is obsessed with image and status runs parallel with a world that is crippling under the weight of injustice and unequal distribution of wealth. Everyday someone new, someone with status and power, is accused of sexual assault and harassment; and every 10 seconds someone in our world dies from hunger related causes. 

There's a lot to be angry about. 

I was recently reading past journal entries and I came across a mantra that I told myself I was going to start saying every morning and it said 'I will choose joy and give grace." I will CHOOSE joy and GIVE grace, what a powerful statement.

I think that if you're paying attention, at all, there's a lot to be enraged about. Anger is easy, it's a comfortable seat that we can just slide in to and make ourselves at home. It's a place where we can constantly get fuel for our fire, each injustice, frustration and wrong aspect of our world serving as kindling and lighter fluid. 

Choosing joy, that's a bit more difficult. It's a decision that we make where we say that despite the turmoil and infuriating things I see around me, I will not be swept up in the mess. I will be in the world but not of the world. I will choose joy. 

I will choose joy because anger is too heavy of a burden to bear. I will choose joy because joy is what clears my mind to be able to make a difference in all of the areas of life that are so cracked and bruised. I will choose joy because the bible says in Nehemiah that "The joy of the Lord is your strength." 

Anger makes you weak. Anger leaves you bitter and confused and disoriented. Anger makes you lash out and scream swear words from the corners of your mind, while wearing a fake smile on your lips. I do think that there are moments to be angry and things worth being angry about but I don't think that anger is a place that you should unpack and decide to live. 

So I'm moving out. 

I'm gathering my things, calling a cab and only looking forward as we pull away. I want control over the things that I set my mind on and that starts with choosing to meditate on the things that bring me peace. I don't think that there will ever be a time in my life where I'm not moved and upset by things going on in this world but I want the desire for peace to be what fuels me.

I don't want my home to be anger. I want my home to be joy so that's what I'm choosing. 

Xoxo,

N.