The eve of 28.

In just a few short hours I will be entering a new stage of my life. I'll be 28 and officially, I've denied it until now, in my late twenties. It's so interesting to look at how different ones life can be in just 12 short months. 

This time last year I was on my way to Portland, Oregon for my first ever solo vacation. A good friend of mine (Hi Olivia!) had gone on a solo camping trip for her birthday and her bravery inspired me. So before I could talk myself out of it I picked a city, bought a ticket and booked an Airbnb. 

It was the first time in a long time that I felt like a 'Great perhaps' was waiting for me. It wasn't the destination that was great but rather the courage that was leading me there and the fruits that it would ideally bear that felt massive. 

Portland was everything I needed it to be last year. I needed to spend time alone, seeping in my own personality and energy to be reminded of how beautiful it is to be alive and to be uniquely made. Portland set me up for a lot of the successes and the milestones that I was about to reach this year. 

Having the courage to leave a job I loved in hopes that I'd find something that I not only loved but that challenged me and brought me closer to my goals. The determination to work hard and to fight to reach all of my fitness goals and to enter in to a new year in the best shape of my life. The confidence to walk away from relationships and interactions that didn't build me up in order to make room in my life for a man that truly values me and sets my heart ablaze. 

Spending those days with God and with myself, led me to exactly where I am today. I'm a few hours away from hoping on a flight, with Patrick, to spend my birthday in Nashville. I feel excited, refreshed, centered and whole. I'm going in to this new year knowing so much more about myself than I did last year and eager to learn and discover more. 

27 was the best age of my life so far and I'm confident and secure in the fact that it will be heavily trumped by the joy and richness that 28 will bring. So with my last post as a 27 year old I'll end it with this; I hope that in your lifetime you take time to truly get to know yourself.

Get on a plane, go to a new city, sit in a coffee shop with a journal...figure out who you are and the root of your beauty and joy. It's from that well of discovery that your perspective on life will be forever impacted and more importantly the way that you view yourself will change. Take a day, a week, a month...and spend it in solitude examining your heart. It will change your life. It changed mine.

Until next time friends! 

Xoxo - N. 

Boy meets world.

This past weekend Patrick flew home with me and met my family for the first time. It was a weekend filled with laughter, ease, joy and so much peace. It ended with two exhausted twenty somethings on a cramped Frontier flight, headed back to good ole Denver, Colorado. 

As I sat there, two hours deep in a four hour plane ride, I was exhausted and pretty uncomfortable in that awful chair but yet so happy. Patrick, who struggled to sleep on the plane ride there, had his head rested in my lap and was out cold. I'm not sure if it was me letting him have the aisle seat or the nerves of the first trip behind him but on this side of the trip he seemed to fall asleep with ease.

I was extremely nervous for Patrick to come home with me, more nervous than I think is maybe normal. The months leading up to our trip I felt a strong sense of protection over my family and the short few days I'd have with them. I think it's safe to say that I have a healthy but very real air of jealousy in regards to my parents and my siblings and who is around when I get to spend time with them. 

I can't express fully how much I cherish the time I get to spend with my family. After high school I took a year off before college to work and that was the last year I spent at home. After my gap year I went away to college and traveled the world for a few years after graduation before ending up n Denver. So when I go home it's not just to relax or for vacation it's the short and rare window of quality, in person time, I have with them throughout the year. 

I feel kind of selfish admitting this but I think a large part of me was nervous to bring Patrick home because I didn't want him to take away from my time with my family. I didn't want to have to spend the entire weekend facilitating introductions and conversations and making sure he was having a good time instead of just having a good time myself. 

I often leave home feeling like the time flew by and I didn't get to fully soak in each moment with the people that I love. That fear, I hate to say, heavily outweighed my excitement for Patrick to finally meet everyone. Underneath the weirdness, there was still excitement but it never came without being quickly followed by the thought that one of my few trips home could potentially not go well. 

Of course, none of my fears came true. Patrick was wonderful with my family and having him there 100% added to my experience. Patrick is self sufficient, brave, personable and so easy to be around and all of those qualities shined brighter than ever this weekend. 

On the plane ride back to Denver I spent a lot of time pondering the idea of family. I thought about my parents and my siblings and the huge impact that they've had on my life and my happiness. I also thought a lot about Patrick and his family.

Patrick introduced me to his family within the first few weeks of our relationship and it's been such a joy to know them. His family is welcoming and kind and so loving and I cringe at the thought that if he was jealous of their affection and selfish with their time I'd have missed out on so much.

This weekend I was reminded of something simple that we all learned in preschool, "sharing is caring." Patrick shares his family, whom he values so very much, with me because he cares about me and being able to do the same thing for him this weekend was amazing. 

When you start to share the things and people who matter the most to you, I realized this weekend, you gain way more than you lose. I guess family is meant to be shared and before you know it the small knit group, you never imagined would change, is bigger and more special than ever. 

As Patrick and I left the plane and entered the terminal he grabbed my hand and familiarity and relief washed over me and all of a sudden he felt a lot less like an intruder and a lot more like family. 

Portland and me.

For my birthday this year, I decided to take a trip and it ended up being so much more than just a vacation. My goal was adventure, laughter and time in a new place surrounded by people that didn't know my name. I wanted to be immersed in greenery and create poems whilst getting lost in all that Portland had to offer me.

When the plane landed in Portland and it hit me what I was doing, traveling in a brand new city all alone, I couldn't stop smiling. I was grinning like a five year old at everyone who looked my way and that feeling of excitement and joy stayed with me the entire trip.

Portland is irrefutably beautiful. The scenery is healthy and inviting and the people are busy but kind. There's a sense of hustle and bustle in the city of Portland and in the demeanor's of the people quickly passing by. Though they seemed to be in a hurry, I was comforted by the fact that anytime I smiled in someone's direction, I was met with kind eyes and a returned smile.

I celebrated my 25th birthday in Mexico and to be funny my friends decided to trick me and pretend like they didn't remember what day it was. I knew that it was just a joke and that at some point I would be overwhelmed with presents and so much love but for a moment I felt so alone. I thought to myself that I hoped I'd never have to spend my birthday by myself, surrounded by people that didn't know what a special day it was.

On my 27th birthday I wore all of my favorite things, with the most important thing being my roommates Minnesota Twins hat. I put my umbrella and scarf in my backpack, along with my journal and headed over to a local spot to have brunch. I ordered two eggs, potatoes and a biscuit and I ate alone while reading 'Bossy Pants' by Tina Fey, it was exactly how I envisioned starting my birthday. Alone but far from lonely.

I was comforted by the fact that no one around me knew how special of a day I was about to have and humbled by the thought that maybe everyone else would be celebrating special moments as well. I walked around with a smile on my face and what felt like a secret in my heart. There I was, only a few hours into being 27 and it was already my most exciting birthday yet.

Growing up a twin, my birthday was never just for me. Even though it was annoying in the early years I grew to love it as I got older. I looked forward to that day and spent it being reminded that from the womb I had a partner in crime, someone to venture through this journey of life with. As the years passed and decisions took us in different directions we spent our birthdays together less and less. I can't remember the last time my brother and I entered into a new year while living in the same city. My brother will always be my twin and we'll always share a birthday but this year, for some reason, I felt like October 26 was mine, made just for me.

Portland was the sentence that ended this most recent chapter in my life. It reminded me of who I've been, who I am and who I want to be. It confronted old insecurities and doubts and reminded me of the hope that's so deeply embedded in my blood and the strength beating in my chest. I've never liked myself more. never been more content with my life, never felt more connected to the lives ebbing and flowing around my own. 

If you're responsibility free and have the money and the time, I strongly encourage you to take a trip by yourself. Go to a city that you've never been to before, stay somewhere cool, bring a journal, talk to strangers and immerse yourself completely in your own company.

It took me turning 27 and traveling to a random tree filled city to be reminded of the peace and joy that the Lord has placed within my heart. 26 was an amazing age filled with excitement, transition, love and so much happiness but 27 will be better. 27, is already better.

Thanks for keeping up with me. Until next time friends. Xoxo.

St. Mary's Glacier.

I wrote this last Saturday at 5:45am as I sat on a rock at St. Mary's Glacier. At the time I was feeling so much and I didn't know how to put it into words until I saw the view, until I felt the wind, until I got wrapped in the silence. Here's what I wrote, unedited and fresh. Know that if you feel too much or even if you don't feel enough...you may just need an unadulterated view, a pen and some paper to get to the heart of things.

- Sometime all it takes to get away from the evil and darkness of this world, is to climb a mountain and allow God to show you how loved you are. A place where the grass is so green that is could almost swallow you whole. A place where the silence is so rich that it pierces through the noise in your life and demands peace. Solitude.

I'm starting to find that it's in the solitude that we find comfort. It's in the secret place that we're found. That's where he meets us. Right there in the heart of where the darkness meets the light, I've come to find that's often where I meet God.

It's when the darkness breaks and dawn appears and the sun begins to creep it's way over the horizon that we're reminded that the sadness, the pain, it never lasts. When all of the hurt is gone and the tears have dried, what remains is his love. His glory. His truth.

The Lord says, in the end of Matthew, that he will never leave us nor will he ever forsake us until the end of age. It's in the darkness that we must remind ourselves of that truth and it's in the sunlight that we finally see it.