A Thought on Confronting My Anti-Blackness.

My platform has largely catered to white moderates. I created a space where white people could feel comfortable and safe. A space where they could do just enough. Be challenged a little bit but not in a way that actually brought about foundational change. 

I’ve molded my author voice to be attractive to them. A voice that makes them feel like they have a “woke Black friend” A voice that leads them to call themselves an “ally” even though I’ve never called them that. A title that neither myself, or their other Black friends, ever gave them. 

I’ve embodied anti-Blackness. I’ve sat comfortable in it and the friends that orbited me during that season of my life are a reflection of the beliefs that I subconsciously and consciously held. I’ve called Black women loud and ghetto. I’ve alluded to Black men being dangerous and thought that immigrants, apparently forgetting that I’m a child of one, were intrusive. 

At this point in my, so far five year journey of love of self, deeper love of Christ and love of Blackness, I am at the stage of the journey where a purge is necessary. I need to purge my life, as much as one can while living in a racist society, of all anti-Blackness in order to truly walk in freedom. This space that I’ve created has evolved. It’s grown with me and now there is less coddling whiteness and more confronting it but there still needs to be a purge.

So what does that mean? What do I mean by purge? I mean ridding myself of the need to coddle whiteness ever but specifically at the expense of advocating for Black people and Blackness. So going even further, what exactly does THAT mean? What does that look like? For me that means confronting my own anti-Blackness. I wrote about this a little bit in a previous post but it’s calling myself out and calling myself in.

Calling myself out for the ways that I at times mentally align Black people with stereotypes and caricatures and how I attach that to an idea of that person being unworthy. Calling myself in by giving me the necessary grace that one needs to be able to rid oneself of the lies that not only impact the way you view others but also the way you view yourself. Reminding myself of the messages that are all around me. The messages that I see on television and on billboards, in movies and in music videos that tell me white is the beautiful, desired norm, and Black is whatever else is left. 

Purging also includes removing the filters that I’ve put in place. Filters that I’ve used in order to not hurt white people’s feelings. Filters that constantly fail me because they don’t allow me to fully speak up about the plight of Black people because I’m entrenched in worry about the feelings of white people. I’m purging myself of that, slowly but certainly surely. 

My space is first and foremost a space for Black people to feel safe and free and loved. I am so very sorry for all of the ways that I haven’t centered our liberation and have instead centered the fragile feelings of white people. I am ridding myself of the anti-Blackness that saturates our society and has permeated my being. It’s not my fault and it’s not something that I’ve actively fed but like all anti-racism work if I don’t actively uproot it, it won’t leave. 

So as my voice continues to evolve and become more clear, I hope that you’ll start to feel safer here. I hope that you’ll know that I’m writing for us, about us, with the goal of always centering our liberation. I invite you to hold me accountable if you see me slipping back into a place of filtered white coddling. I love you and I’m for you and I’m excited that you’re here. 

Xo, 

N

The Connect in CareerConnect.

When I left Up with People, about a year and a half ago, it was because I needed a change. I was a little over 4 years deep in the organization and feeling rather drained. As much as I loved what Up with People was doing and the impact it made, I felt like my time as a contributing member of the body was coming to a close. 

I didn't look forward to going to work, the day to day tasks were driving me crazy and even on the brightest of days I had to fake a smile and cheerful disposition. It's fair to say that I was beyond checked out. Then came the opportunity to work for Goodwill, an organization that reached out to meet the needs of the Denver community.

A non-profit that gives people with disabilities a job and more than just a medical diagnosis but also a purpose. a non-profit that meets the needs of under served youth and provides them with opportunities that are often easily accessible to their more privileged peers. A non-profit that provides programming for adults that gives them tools for success whether they have a high school diploma or not. 

I genuinely believe that non-profits like Goodwill change the world. One person at a time Goodwill breaks the cycle of poverty and puts worth and dignity in a place where, for years, only shame lived. Of all of the transitions I've made in my life, this one is by far the most difficult. 

On August 14th I'll be embarking on a new journey and for the first time venturing outside of the non-profit world to work for a program called CareerConnect. CareerConnect is one of the many functions of the Denver Public School system and works to offer students engaging and project based courses and experiential learning in relevant career pathways. 

CareerConnect provides students with job shadow opportunities, mentors, internships and more. CareerConnect helps students to create a tangible and realistic path to a career by giving them early exposure and reliable professional contacts. 

I am so excited about this new opportunity! The key goals of the Denver Public School system align so well with my personal mission statement and the work that CareerConnect does gives students a tangible and clear path to success. 

I, with every part of me, believe that this career move will further my community reach, widen my educational scope and help me to accomplish many of my professional goals.

I'm not tired of Goodwill, I wasn't burned out or ever upset about coming to work each day; I love what I do and most importantly the people I do it with and the students I do it for. This career move will not take me from unhappy to happy but rather it's simply the next step in my professional journey. A step up and in the right direction, that's what this is. 

So on Tuesday, the 8th, with sadness and so much love I'll say goodbye to Goodwill. I'll grab my box of pictures and inspirational quotes from my desk, I'll say a few jokes and give a tons of hugs and be on my way. With the closing of one chapter another one opens and I can't wait to update you on my students, my colleagues and life in general in this new and exciting position. 

*Goodwill's all over the country provide resources to adults, youth and people with disabilities. When you shop at Goodwill, the money that you spend goes back into the community to support those that are often lacking and going without basic education and professional resources. Please, in the near future, visit your local Goodwill and do your part in supporting their beautiful mission. Thank you!* 

Your deadly comfort

On the last day of April my pastor preached part two of a message called 'Simplify.' He talked about our time being one of the most important things we have and that the way we fill our minutes before we know it evolves into the way we fill our life. The take away and what really struck a chord with me is that we need to focus more on who we want to become and less on what needs to get done.

As I sat there listening to his words my planner flashed before my eyes. All of the color coded plans and clearly outlined appointments played like a slideshow in my mind. My calendar is filled with things that need to get done, tasks upon tasks upon arguably meaningless tasks.

As I sat there thinking about the person that I want to become I realized that the things currently on my to do list don't add to my big picture. A few years ago I created a mission statement for my life, the idea behind it being that I would weigh my actions, my decisions and my weekly tasks against it. It would become the measure by which I would weigh my life. Today as I sit here I don't even remember what that mission is or even where I wrote it down.

Sitting in my warm seat at church I was slapped with the realization that I wasn't optimizing my time and dare I say it out loud that I was comfortable with my life.

One of my friends has a shirt that says "Comfort wants you dead," and it's a phrase that for the past week has been on my mind. As my minutes become my hours and my hours my days and my days my life, I see a recent string of comfortable days. Days where I push just enough, or lean in just enough to do a good job but not enough to break molds. Molds like the one I'm comfortably housed in right now.

My comfort zone, though safe is slowly killing me. Killing the passion in me that thrives on new situations. Situations where I give a little more, love a little deeper and push myself just ever so slightly pass my normal stopping point.

This week I decided to make one slight change to my schedule. I set my alarm for 15 minutes earlier than my normal wake up time so that I can spend quality, uninterrupted time with Christ. It's a small and ever so slight change but the peace that it's brought to my week has been incredible. If I look at my planner and the circumstances that I was faced with this week, the outcome should have been unrest but instead it was peace.

I used the first 15 minutes, just 15 minutes, of my day differently and it affected the entire trajectory of my week. In the days to come I'm planning to look at my schedule even closer, with the goal being to subtract and minimize things and tasks that are unnecessary and aren't adding value to my life.

I'm also going to recreate the mission statement of my life and set myself back on a path of growth and discovery, back on the path of life.

If you only take one thing away from this post I hope it's the truth that your comfort zone may be safe but it's not beneficial. Comfort is not a place where we can thrive or grow. In order to do more and to get closer to the person that we so desire to be we have to take a step outside of and away from what's familiar. A step outside of our deadly comfort.