"I'm sorry," in the work of anti-racism, is never enough.

A few years ago Patrick and I attended a small church in Denver. I was a member of the launch team before the church started, so I knew the pastors pretty well and had been around for a while. One evening during our weekly small group, I don’t even know how it came up, one of our pastors said “some people say Black lives matter but I think that all lives matter.” 

When she said it I remember feeling hurt and taken back. (It’s important to note that at the time I did not have the tools that I now have, to advocate for myself and to speak up for myself in response to macroaggressions.) I thought that my pastor, of all people, would know better. I was sad and confused but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, so I let it go in the moment. I didn’t say anything but rather made a note to follow up with her the next day. 

The next morning, as I walked into work, I texted her and asked if we could schedule a time to have a call and talk about her all lives matter comment. I shared that her words hurt me and that I wanted to discuss with her why that phrase is harmful to Black people. A few hours later she called me and I missed her call but she left me a long message. The message that she left stuck with me and is just one of the many, and I mean many, instances that has led to this blog. 

In her message she apologized profusely for what she said. She was crying while she spoke, you could hear it in her voice, and she told me that she knew what she said was hurtful. She told me she was sorry that she said it, and that it was something her Black friends would have called her out for. She ended it by saying that she valued me as a team member and that she was so sorry and she would see me at church on Sunday. 

We never talked about it again. I still wanted to have a conversation but it felt like she had put the topic to bed and I didn’t know how to wake it up. We never discussed the phrase “all lives matter” and what it means, and why it’s painful. All that happened was I sent a text and she called me crying and apologized and then she moved on and didn’t give me space to do anything but move on with her. 

That was not the end of prickly things that she said or did, but it was the beginning of a pattern that I’ve seen in so many of my interactions with white people. Something harmful/prejudice/racist is said, the person who said it is called in and they immediately apologize and try to move on. There’s no accountability. There’s no real change or growth that happens. There’s just an apology and the harmer feels better while the harmed is left feeling confused. 

I used to think that if someone apologized it was a sign of major progress but now I see that “I’m sorry” is not enough. Especially if that’s where the conversation ends. Growing up my mom used to say “sorry is a sorry word,” and I always thought she was so strange for saying that.(haha, sorry Mom!) Now I see that she was teaching me a very valuable lesson; that words without actions, words without changes, words without accountability, are just empty words. 

If someone invites you into a space of learning because of something that you said, an apology is absolutely appropriate but there’s also work that needs to be done. Think about what you’re sorry for. Consider what led to you saying what you said and is it a reflection of a core belief that you hold? Is that belief prejudice? Is it racist? What can you do to rid yourself of that belief? 

I wish that my pastor would have called me to apologize AND to schedule a time for us to talk. I wish that the following week, when we met as a group again, that she would have publicly apologized for what she said and shared why it was inappropriate and not Christlike. I wish that instead of this being a story where someone assaulted my Black experience, that it was a story of my Black life and feelings being affirmed. 

If someone calls you in, apologize but don’t stop there. Have a conversation, if one is requested. Acknowledge your wrong doing in the same manner that the wrong doing occurred. Do the work to make sure that you don’t make that mistake again. Ultimately just remember that “I’m sorry,” is not enough and if you stop there, you’re not truly committed to the work of anti-racism. 

Until soon, 

-N