When I first moved to Denver in 2015 I had a mind full of expectations. I thought that I would go to parties, connect with old friends, meet new ones and that I would never have a lonely moment. The reality of my first few months of living in this beautiful city was that I was often lonely and that mixed with being too embarrassed to reach out to the people I knew left me alone more times than not.
I had to learn, real quick, what it was like to be in my own company and if I was someone that I enjoyed being around. As much as I tried to avoid it, my lack of friends and lack of escape, forced me to spend time with myself.
At first it felt forced, like when your parents make you play with your youngest sibling. The whole thing was awkward and something that I begrudgingly did. Eventually it became a welcomed opportunity, a chance for me to take a look at what I had spent years becoming and to evaluate whether it was good or not.
Messiness and all, I decided that I was beautiful and that who I was, was good.
During this season I journaled constantly. I would wake up and go to bed just the same, with a pen and a notebook next to my pillow. I kept track of my thoughts and my feelings and was able to see tangible growth as I moved through that stage. My faith grew, my self esteem was cemented and time with just Nicole, was no longer a burden.
When the dark clouds shifted and I started to see the silver lining of my own time, that's when the friendships came. Before I knew it, I had things to do after work and people that I loved to do those things with. I realized that my priority was not to have a schedule filled, for the sake of being filled, but rather to invest my time in people that added to the goodness that I wished to create.
Now, I prioritize time with myself. Weekly I retreat, whether for just a few hours or an entire evening, to recharge and reset . To give my heart a little reminder that I would rather be healthy and alone, sitting in my own beautiful messiness than surrounded by company.
I hope you have a season in your life where you're faced with the truth of your own reflection. Where you're the only keeper of your company and your days start and end with you. A season that turns your eyes to Christ and the fact that he'll never leave you and then to who he's created you to be. Someone who despite their shortcomings, shyness, desire to please etc., is fearfully and wonderfully made.
Today's post is not an exhaustive one or one filled with deep life lessons and Psalms. Rather I just wanted to make sure that everyone who reads this know, that your messiness and everything that comes with it is beautiful and who you are, is good.