No, you can NOT touch my hair.
*Reminder: Black people are not a monolith. Some Black people don’t mind their hair being touched, others do. This is my take on the topic.
A few years ago I was out of town with a big group of people for a friend's birthday. We were out dancing and I remember feeling two hands on my head and I felt them grab two fists full of hair and pull my scalp. Someone whispered in my ear “I’ve been wanting to do that all night,” and then they kissed me on the neck and ran away. It was a total stranger. A random guy in the bar that was apparently watching me all night. I was disgusted and so were my friends. Someone offered to find him but I told them to let it go, I didn’t want to make a bigger scene.
Once when I was working abroad, a colleague of mine asked me if she could touch my hair. I wanted to say no but she asked me in front of a lot of other people and I just felt so awkward so I said yes. She touched it and I remember she had a really surprised look on her face. She looked at me and said “wow, your hair is so much softer than I expected it to be.”
“Can I touch it? Wow, I love your hair straight! You should do that more often, it’s so much prettier than how you usually wear it.”
“Can I touch it? I don’t know how you deal with having hair like that. It just looks like so much work. You’re so tough.”
“Can I touch your hair? So are these braids your real hair? Cause your hair was short and like bushy, last week but now it’s long...so how does that work?”
“Can I touch your hair? Man, I wish I had hair like yours, it’s so wild and soft. I can’t believe it’s so soft, I expected it to feel coarse and dry.”
A lot of people have touched my hair. Strangers, friends, associates, colleagues and extended family. Some have asked me before they touched it and others, as you can see from the story above, have touched it without permission. I wore my hair straight from the age of 12/13 to the age of 21 and during that time frame no one ever asked me if they could touch my hair. I don’t remember my hair ever coming up in conversation, it was just my hair and nothing else.
In 2011, I chopped all of my hair off and started wearing it natural. Almost immediately, people started to ask questions about and touch my hair. It was something that I thought was flattering and a compliment for a long time, until I noticed that it was primarily white people asking to touch my hair. I noticed that I didn’t see white people touching other white people’s hair. I didn’t see them approaching other white people in the grocery store and grabbing their hair, examining it and asking questions about it. It was behavior that I saw white people only directing towards Black people and mostly Black people who did not have straight hair.
I started to feel some type of way about it. I talked to my friends about it and I saw that it wasn’t only happening to me but it was happening to them too.
The phenomenon of curious, intrusive white people putting their hands in the hair of Black people is not new and it’s not limited to me and my friends. At the end of this post I’ll share some blogs where other Black people have shared their stories and feelings around this hair touching pandemic.
When a white person asks to touch my hair, I immediately feel othered. It usually happens to me when I’m occupying a space where I’m the only Black person, sometimes the only person of color in the room. It’s so awkward and uncomfortable and it’s often done in front of other people and I feel like if I say no, I’ll be considered difficult or aggressive or angry. I’ve actually been called angry before when I told someone they couldn’t touch my hair. One of the other people in the room said “Nicole, it’s not that big of a deal. Don’t get mad just let her touch it.”
It feels like my autonomy is being taken away from me. It feels intrusive and invasive and it always results in me feeling excluded. My sense of self advocacy has increased immensely over the years and I’m at a place where I can either say “no” without hesitation, or ask “are your hands clean?” Both usually lead to my hair remaining untouched by the intrusive and curious white hands.
Some Black people in your life may have told you that they’re okay with you touching their hair but I am not. Even if I have said yes in the past, I am now revoking permission. The only white person I want touching my hair is my husband and even he rarely touches it.
There is so much history and context behind the feelings that Black people have about their hair and how it’s perceived in society. Context that I don’t feel like laying out but that you, if you’re white, would benefit from researching. So, no you can not touch my hair. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Don’t ask and don’t even think about asking. This is not a museum, I am not a pet, keep your hands away from my hair.
Xo,
N
Additional thoughts from other writers -
https://fashionjournal.com.au/beauty/what-it-really-means-when-you-ask-can-i-touch-your-hair/
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/58psLDd9GGWf5SQKSLmmdjD/why-is-black-hair-so-political
https://www.chaosandcomrades.com/story/2019/2/12/touching-black-hair